BY LIBIN ZHANG
Your correspondent was reading the Section Six Slander, the amusing newsletter of that section, and drinking wine liberated from a LRW [Legal Research and Writing] talk, when Floor Neighbor asked if he wished to have dinner at the restaurant Fire and Ice. Just then, the mailbox with filter {‘pizza’ OR ‘free’ NOT ‘Vioxx’} sounded an alert at an email from the RA, encouraging all to stop by the Hark for “some free Thanksgiving pie.” Your correspondent made a deal with Floor Neighbor, where they would visit to the Hark, and go to Fire and Ice afterwards should the promised pies be unsatisfactory or illusory.
Lo and behold, there were indeed a multitude of American Thanksgiving pies in Hark South. People never seemed so eager to get their hands on free food since the last trip to Costco and their free samples of frozen entrées. The well-decked table, staffed by three very nice looking people, was filled with all sorts of pies, e.g., pecan, pumpkin, blueberry, and apple varieties, plus hot apple cider.
The staff was very happy to serve some pies, albeit only one slice at a time, but was unhelpful about their own pie preferences. Your correspondent thought about getting several slices for “his friend over there,” but he thought that would be unethical and akin to stealing. The first slice, of pecan pie, did much to relieve the hunger.
The second slice, of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, was not as great, but went down easily when washed with now-lukewarm apple cider.
With the consumption of a slice of blueberry pie, your correspondent satisfied all the major FDA food groups, and experienced a sinking realization that there shall not be a visit to Fire and Ice that night.
A fellow pie consumer returned with some bad news, “The lady told me I can’t have any more pies. Only two slices.” As your correspondent was on his third slice, and is in the Joseph Singer Property class, the disparate treatment was instantly attributed to some form of racial discrimination.
— Abraham Lincoln [not his real name], I think they spotted you because you are recognizable, as the only Sri Lankan around.
— Hey, how come you got three slices?
— A lot of people look like me. See that fellow over there.
— They would have to be blind to confuse you two. He looks like Bryant Gumbel.
— OK, maybe they finally noticed us because we’re sitting at the table closest to the pie source, which we chose because we were lazy and expected to eat a lot of pies.
The pie quota proved worrisome. After much unsubtle debate over how to circumvent the pie slices limit, your correspondent tried asking the third pie server off to the side, who seems not to pay as much attention, for more, to unsuccessful results. The conversation went something like the following transcript, reconstructed in Queen’s English for patrician and polite company:
— [Your Correspondent] Please, sir, I want some more.
— What!
— Please, sir, I want some more.
— Ms. Overseer, I beg your pardon! He has asked for more!
— For MORE! Compose yourself, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the supper allotted by the dietary [of two pie slices per capita]?
— He did.
— That boy will be hung. I know that boy will be hung.
Finally, the elusive fourth pie variety, apple pie, was procured by having Floor Neighbor acquire her second slice, and sharing the windfall among all. The pie tasted fine, but the feelings of personal triumph and nutritional satisfaction were counterbalanced by the feelings of pie bloat and indigestion. It is said that overeating without need to worry about weight is one of the few simple pleasures of being male, while women have the benefit of multiple orgasms.
It was revealed the following day in contracts class that imposing the new condition of per capita pie rationing would be considered an unenforceable action, known as modifying the terms of a published offer after acceptance.
Overall, free food at the Harkness Common is highly recommended, especially when said free food is in pie form. Quality free food is served fairly often during the major holidays, such as the end of Ramadan. The only downside is that the free offers can be misleading as to the quantity, and are discriminatory against individuals with high metabolism. Thanks for reading, and don’t miss next installment’s scientific survey into the loss of life expectancy from eating Three Ace’s food.
Libin Zhang would like to suggest to the Dean that we should have beer and wine available at the Hark, and kick it off with a week of fun events, some time in January, under the auspices of the Law School Council.