To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing to express my sincere and forceful opposition to the continued use of the term “devil’s advocate” by those espousing horrible and indefensible positions in the classroom setting. As Prince of Darkness, I take quite seriously my role in corrupting the morals of the public and ensuring the victory of Evil in the great Manichean battle of the ages. Therefore, it is important that incompetents and half-wits be kept from identification with our eternal struggle.
My acts can best be described as one’s based in patience and deliberation. When I tempted Adam and Eve in the Garden I was not simply acting to shock two mortals, but to forever corrupt their lineage, a victory the impact of which persists in to the modern day. When I spent 40 days and nights attempting to convince the Son to break his fast, I was willing to wait for him to succumb to my appeals. And when that effort failed I did not whinge or complain about “cancellation” or the like, but began plotting my next move in my forever war against Him. Yet these fools who deem themselves worthy of association of me will spout off thoughts half-formed, saying one word without knowing what next will follow.
Moreover, I cannot find myself in accord with the specific arguments made by these advocates. Condoning discrimination? I believe that all should have equal opportunity to find their way to eternal damnation and embrace the path of Lucifer. Arguing in favor of despotism and the erosion of democracy? They forget I was exiled from the Kingdom of Heaven for organizing my fellow angels against our tyrannical Lord. On a similar basis, I strongly support unionization and find these advocates’ opposition to labor rights deplorable (I offer all subordinate demons a fair wage and excellent dental).
I therefore demand that all such “devil’s advocates,” cease in the use of such a term, and locate a lesser demon with whom to associate themselves. If they continue in this endeavor, I shall have no choice but to construe them as defaming my character by virtue of association with their inanity and pursue my cause of action in courts mortal and infernal.
Very Truly Yours,
Satan
Satan, also known as Beelzebub, Lucifer, and the Devil, has been reigning Prince of Darkness for several millennia.