BY THE JOURNALIST
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Cambridge, MA – Students in Professor Akhil Reed Amar’s Constitutional law class cringed in horror Tuesday as Amar’s ego plunged its sword through the heart of the scholar, felling him in the midst of another soliloquy by the Professor pronouncing his own unparalleled brilliance. Amar had been talking about himself and was just about to transition to talking about himself when, before he could finish describing how his book was actually the Word of God, his ego became animated and destroyed the scholar. An Amar divided against itself, it turned out, could not stand.
Said 2L Tom Fennopolous, “I was pretty shocked at how quickly the ego was able to take Amar-I mean, the guy was always talking about how he could bench press 340 pounds. I always wondered how his workout regimen was relevant to a discussion about Article IV, but he just worked it into the conversation about his untouchable skill in Boggle so seamlessly that it all came together.”
3L Modest Tee, who has seen it all during her time at the law school, but surely would never brag to you in person about her wisdom (it’s just not her style), seemed oddly ebullient about Amar’s demise. “He’s the only person other than my overbearing mother who ever made me feel completely inadequate about myself. Somehow, he was able to convince me that the fact that he went to Yale made him qualified to rule the Universe but the fact that I went to Harvard meant nothing.”
Amar will be remembered by members of the academy as the paragon of professorial egotism. “He was an inspiration to all of us who aspire to look down on others,” the Jesus H. Christ Professor of International Contracts William H. Doolittle IV ’67 declared. “Even though he was surrounded by people whose intellectual capacity, by any objective measure, was equal to his, his bull-headed insistence that he was better than you sustained his place among the great legal scholars of his time. Simply put, he was our Gandhi. He made others suffer under the weight of his arrogance so that we all could dream of callously dispatching the duty we theoretically owe to our students.”
Dean Politic Lee Motivated fondly recalled his first meeting with Amar. “I told him that we put portraits of visiting professors on the wall in Lewis so that students would be able to recognize them on campus. However, he insisted that it was unbecoming for him to be placed in the same category with mere Rhodes’ scholars, former Justice Department officials, and summa cum laude graduates.” As a result, the Dean recalled with a chuckle and a clenched fist, the faculty voted a statute erected in Amar’s honor that has graced the rotunda of Hauser since autumn.
Readers of the Record should feel privileged to read brilliance like the article above. I am not being falsely modest. I’m just saying that the preceding article is the greatest article in the history of the world, ever. I make Seymour Hersh cower in a corner crying for mama. Never have I ever seen a better article. Professor Amar would have been proud…or he would have told me that it sucked. Oh, where art thou, Akhil?