BY CHARLES CUNNINGHAM
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This week, a visiting student went missing for eight hours, prompting a school-wide lockdown and the activation of the emergency phone message network on Harvard’s campus. After a furious search for the student, including assistance from the National Guard-which was met with disruptive protests by LAMBDA and equally-disruptive, orgasmic cheers from FedSoc-the student was found sitting directly in the middle of the compass that inexplicably graces the middle of the tunnels.
The activation of the emergency notification system, the first of its kind in the history of the school, was not prompted by any actual threat. When asked why she chose to activate the system, Dean Georgiana Wallace screamed, “YES WE CAN!” When informed she was not at an Obama rally and that it just happened that her Harvard Law Wrecker interviewer was African-American, the Dean responded, “SECURITY!”
The Dean’s ruthless racism, as it turns out, was the culprit for the alarm, as the missing student, visiting on an admitted student’s weekend, hailed from Vermont. The Dean’s spokesman, Peter Down, told the Harvard Law Wrecker, “The Dean was aware that Vermont was a Majority-Majority state, but she also heard rumors that there were at least four or six minorities in the Green Mountain State. Even though the Dean knew that the missing student was Thomas E. Winthrop VIII, a direct descendent of John Winthrop and possibly the most blue-blooded American alive, she wasn’t going to take any chances.” Down concluded, “Safety is our number two priority, right behind racism.”
For his part, Winthrop took the high road with the Dean, instead directing his venom at the Registrar’s unconscionable abbreviation system for buildings on campus. “I mean, what the fuck,” Winthrop exclaimed, “How the hell am I supposed to know what LILC means. For Christ’s sake, just spell LEWIS-it’s one more letter!”
Other admitted students expressed similar disdain for the Registrar’s abject stupidity. Martha Washington (no relation), a recent graduate of the University of Mary Washington (relation), told the Harvard Law Wrecker, “It is truly inexplicable. I mean, Austin West is ‘AAW.’ Where the fuck does the second A come from? Not only that, but the Ames Courtroom in Austin is ‘AAME’-shouldn’t it be ‘AAAM’? This is just too much for me, just too much. I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to go to Yale.”