BY ANNIE GREAT
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Carl M. Loeb University Professor Laurence Tribe published a 1200-page treatise on something this week. Rumors are that the subject of the book is a thorough history of Equal Protection, but no one really knows because only a single person in the entire world has actually read the book, 3L Varson Cadillac.
Cadillac, a graduate of a non-Ivy League college and a native of some state in the middle of the country (Ohio maybe? Oregon? One of those…) has described the work as utter drivel, devoid of legal content of any kind and full of doodles and crass knock-knock jokes. “I wanted to see what all the hubbub was about,” Cadillac said of his purchase of Tribe’s newest catatonically world-altering work, “After all, I had been unable to get into Professor Tribe’s course last year and ended up 12432nd on the wait list. In a school of 1600 students, you do the math.”
Cadillac’s dreams for an intellectual rejuvenation in his final weeks in law school were struck dead by what he characterized as Tribe’s “utter disregard for everything that is good and civil in the world.”
Fortunately for Tribe, no one gives a shit about some pea-brained 3L from some crap-ass state. One faculty member, who chose to remain anonymous, but whose request we will unceremoniously and unprofessionally ignore (Alan Dershowitz) told the Record, “Cadillac can go back to where he came from. He sucks as much as his family business. Kid is a ticking time-bomb and you know what we do with those…”
The real reviewers-inside the Beltway or on THE Island-piled effusive praise on the new work. Gail Suckup of the New York Times, stating, “The only thing bet
ter than 1200 pages from Professor Tribe would have been 1201. This book is filled with words and words are made up of letters. Tribe: women want to be with him and men want to be him. There is not a grade I could place on this book that could rightly describe what an honor it has been to not read it.”
Even conservative papers agreed on the brilliance of Tribe’s latest concoction. Joel Young of the Washington Times wrote, “When I first received the assignment to review Professor Tribe’s new book, I knew I would have my hands full with the work of such an erudite scholar. Luckily, I also knew prior to even opening the front cover that I would disagree with everything in the book, even to the point of utter irrationality, because of Professor Tribe’s liberal agenda. This understanding enabled me to write a review praising his intellect (which even among conservatives is unquestioned) while deriding the content of his work without ever reading the book.”
When contacted about this article by the Record, Tribe initially deferred answering questions due to the political sensitivity of the issue. When he realized that the stock excuse given by most HLS professors to saying anything remotely controversial literally made no sense in this context, he agreed to speak with us.
Tribe said he hadn’t read the book because he really “didn’t feel like it.” Tribe stated, “I had been carrying awards and accolades from my car to my country cottage on Martha’s Vineyard for what seemed like weeks-I was just flat out pooped.”
Tribe, known for his prolific prose, said that he understood the 1200-page volume may be a turn off to potential readers. However, he encouraged people to consider purchasing the book anyway ($678.54 at the Harvard Law COOP (7% membership discount included)), stating that what he recalls writing was “pretty good” and that the book even included pictures drawn by his grandson in the final chapters of the work. “I figured I’d give the six or eight people that would actually get to page 1000 a little reward,” Tribe stated.
Tribe will be speaking about his work in the Vorenberg Classroom next Wednesday night at 7 P.M. The event is sponsored by HLS Students for Tribe, a non-partisan group that panders to Laurence Tribe. Arrive early, as the room will undoubtedly be full of sycophantic students and faculty hours in advance.