A Bunch of (Mostly) White Guys

I’ve been told that this is to be my last column this year, so I wanted to make it a super good one. Unfortunately, the little squirrel hostage I keep in my apartment who writes my columns and takes my finals for me (while stacked on top of ten other squirrels and wearing a trench coat for in-class exams) has caught a serious case of squirrel leprosy, so I am afraid this column will fail to meet most/any of your expectations.

Now that we’ve pretty much decided to stop humoring Santorum and recognize that Mittens is inevitably the nominee (notwithstanding some deus ex machina) of the Republican Party, it’s time to start taking bets as to who Mitt will pick for VP. General consensus is Rob Portman, although there are always murmurings about Marco Rubio and Chris Christie. Let’s talk about these guys, and then I will share with you what ticket I would like to see.

Rob Portman: This guy is the house favorite. And why not? He’s from Ohio, always an unfathomably important state in the presidential elections, and there’s a strong argument that but for his assistance and backing, Romney would not have won Ohio by such a margin, or at all. Portman knows what’s going on in D.C.—he’s worked in the White House and Congress. Unfortunately, he is more boring than dry toast. He’s more boring than Romney for fucksakes. While some might argue that the vice president’s strengths will not ameliorate or hide Romney’s flaws, we could at least try. At the very least, we need a more interesting veep candidate if we want to stay awake this fall.

Marco Rubio: Rubio is hungry. Like a wolf. His name has been tossed around by a lot of Republican candidates, mostly because they don’t seem to know any other Hispanics in politics. Rubio is young and charismatic, meaning that he has a real chance of upstaging Romney on the campaign trail. He also hails from Florida, which will be an important state for the GOP this year (all those old people who want the repeal of Obamacare because they’ve been living off of LBJcare for years). Oh yeah, and this will help Romney capture the Hispanic vote. While Rubio has said he wouldn’t be Romney’s pick, he’s also showed extremely poor judgment when he (jokingly?) recommended Jeb Bush for the position, so you never know.

Chris Christie: Christie is hungry. For some hot dogs. Christie has a certain amount of gravitas, and a hardass personality that would go nicely with Romney’s awkward-private equity-Mormony Mr. Roger’s feel. His appeal might be his downfall, however, Romney may be unwilling to invest in such a potentially volatile running mate.

There are more out there, such as Nikki Haley (who governs the state that went to Newt), Susannah Martinez (who doesn’t want the job, and is too close to being a Palin choice), Tim Pawlenty (lulz no), et al.

But I would love to see Romney pick Olympia Snowe. This is an absurdity, even for me, but I can dream. She’s a woman, and one who actually supports women’s rights. She’s got the experience. She has a strong reputation for ending close votes, which is of paramount importance these days. Most importantly, picking her would signal to the moderates and Independents that Romney actually is a moderate, instead of just some psychopathic quantum politician.

Lisa Wang is a 2L. Her column runs every other Wednesday, and she also be provides commentary on the Republican primary debates.

The views in opinion editorials, columns, and letters do not necessarily reflect the views of The Record.