{"id":15154,"date":"2012-09-25T07:00:56","date_gmt":"2012-09-25T11:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hlrecord.org\/?p=15154"},"modified":"2019-07-23T23:43:27","modified_gmt":"2019-07-24T03:43:27","slug":"kong-phooey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hlrecord.org\/kong-phooey\/","title":{"rendered":"Kong Phooey"},"content":{"rendered":"

Note: This serial is\u00a0fictional.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cKong. Bar Review. Tonight. You\u2019re going.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fenno glanced up at Chevy, who had just strolled into the common room with his demanding-face on. The two had met a few weeks back, when Fenno had sacrificed knee-skin to save Chevy from an oncoming Lesley skater; since then, the elder Chevy (sleepwalking through his last year) had taken the 1L under his wing.<\/p>\n

\u201cMan, I don\u2019t understand that bar. Why would anyone bother? Last time I was there, I lost a good shoe\u2014stuck to the floor, never could get it free.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat, do you have some crucial CRUPAC\u2019ing to do or something? Don\u2019t care. No time to argue. I\u2019m headed to a pre-pre-pregame.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s 10:45. In the morning. On a weekday. And I\u2019m not going unless you can give me a single reason to head to that bar instead of drinking cleaning solution.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust take a look at the Guide<\/em> entry. I think I wrote that one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe what?\u201d<\/p>\n

Chevy grimaced, grabbed Fenno\u2019s phone off the couch, and started tapping away.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere. The First-Year\u2019s Guide to the Law School<\/em>. Read up; there\u2019s a bucket of gin waiting for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Chevy tossed the phone back to Fenno and wandered down the hallway in search of potable. The first-year looked at his phone, which was displaying the purchase page for the $0.98 Guide<\/em> app. The other suggested apps on the page were all at least $0.99, so Fenno took the plunge.<\/p>\n

———<\/p>\n

The First-Year\u2019s Guide to the Law School<\/em> was a most remarkable app, containing everything a bushy-tailed liberal arts kid needed to know to survive 1L in Cambridge. Some of the entries were even factually accurate. The Guide<\/em> had come to dominate the app-store market for such things, crushing the competition led by the Encyclopaedia Cambridgia<\/em> for two main reasons: For one, it was slightly cheaper. For two, the home-screen icon was helpfully emblazoned with one block-lettered word: \u201cPANIC.\u201d (If there\u2019s anything a 1L\u2019s good at, it\u2019s panic.)<\/p>\n

———<\/p>\n

Fenno searched for \u201cThe Kong.\u201d The entry lit up his screen.<\/p>\n

The place where every night seems to end. Teams of Cambridge\u2019s finest scientific minds continue to study the strange, gravity-like pull of The Kong, a pull fully active only after 11:30 or so, but each time they end up so hammered that they have to repeat their research again the next night. The current team has been working seven nights a week since 2001; as of this writing, they have made no progress.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Fenno tapped the \u201cLayout\u201d link.<\/p>\n

Three floors. The ground-floor restaurant is a fine place to punish yourself for any wrongs you have\/will have committed in any present, past, or future life. Kong \u201cfood\u201d is currently considered an illegal torture device by every nation except North Korea and the United States. Try the wontons.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The second floor, best as anyone can tell, is devoted solely to standing in line for the third floor. While you wait, be sure to enjoy a Scorpion Bowl or five\u2014the contents of the Bowl remain a mystery, though in recent times a consensus has formed that the recipe involves some combination of turpentine and Juicy Juice.<\/em><\/p>\n

The third floor had its own sub-entry.<\/p>\n

You might have thought hell was underground. Think again. The Kong\u2019s third floor is the perfect place to ease your burden if you tire of carrying your dignity around all day. The strange, viscous substance coating the floor is the envy of defense contractors around the globe, all of whom are seeking a more tightly gripping polymer with which to bind warheads to missiles. The third floor remains Harvard Square\u2019s premier destination for listening to horrid music while watching people \u201cdance\u201d like they\u2019re trying to rid themselves of subcutaneous parasites. Highly recommended.<\/em><\/p>\n

Fenno pulled up the \u201cBar Review\u201d page next.<\/p>\n

Nine out of ten people who own Two and a Half Men<\/span> on DVD agree that the \u201cBar Review\u201d name is still a hilarious pun. The HL Central-run event regularly devolves into a mad scramble for precious drink tickets, which confer upon their holders the power to not bother tipping bartenders. A must-attend for anyone who has to sit through Torts.<\/em><\/p>\n

Next he tried searching \u201cHL Central,\u201d but the Guide<\/em> only returned an \u201cENTRY NOT FOUND<\/em>\u201d page. Fenno shrugged. Chevy was right: he had to go to the Kong tonight.<\/p>\n

\u201cFenno\u201d is a fictional serial written by an anonymous law student. The main character is always named Fenno and is always a 1L, but his or her character changes every school year. This installation is part of the series for the 2012-13 School Year, entitled \u201cFenno: Mostly Harmless.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Note: This serial is\u00a0fictional.\u00a0 \u201cKong. Bar Review. Tonight. You\u2019re going.\u201d Fenno glanced up at Chevy, who had just strolled into the common room with his demanding-face on. The two had met a few weeks back, when Fenno had sacrificed knee-skin to save Chevy from an oncoming Lesley skater; since then, the elder Chevy (sleepwalking through […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":213,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[43,22,188],"class_list":{"0":"post-15154","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-opinions","7":"tag-bar-review","8":"tag-fenno-2","9":"tag-kong"},"yoast_head":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n