SCOTUS Justices Excited About Results of JOLT Mario Kart Tournament

Several Supreme Court Justices were very excited to learn the results of the JOLT Mario Kart Tournament. “Ever since I changed Harvard over to a fake grading system, it has been hard to differentiate students and find the best of the best to become Supreme Court clerks,” Justice Kagan said. “The JOLT Mario Kart Tournament provides a clear method to find the cream of the crop,” said Justice Roberts.

Justice Roberts has already hired the tournament winner for a clerkship in 2016. “Winning the JOLT Mario Kart Tournament is a clear display of legal prowess. Anyone who wins this prestigious competition surely has the intellectual horsepower to succeed as a Supreme Court clerk. It takes an immense amount of skill to launch a single banana backwards to spin out your opponent, like the winner had done in the last round.”

The HLS faculty were also eagerly anticipating the tournament results. Dean Minow has said that going forward the Sears Prize will now be given to the top two first-year and second-year students who progressed furthest in the tournament, instead of the students who achieved the highest grade point averages.

Susie Gunner, who has obtained a grade of Dean’s Scholar in every class for her first two years at HLS, is extremely upset at the attention given to the Mario Kart Tournament. “I have worked so hard over the past few years, and just because I got blue-shelled during Round Two my Supreme Court hopes are dashed forever.” Justice Scalia responded to her complaint: “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

Ceilings Around Campus Shattered

Several student groups around campus have apparently taken “Shatter the Ceiling” a bit too literally and have destroyed many ceilings in various buildings around campus. HLS Facilities Management has complained to The Record. “I’ve had to put in double shifts over the past two weeks to clean up the mess from all the shattered ceilings,” said Oliver W. Holmes, a long-time janitor with Facilities Management.

Professors have also complained about the missing ceilings. “I’ve had to teach classes outside for the past two weeks,” said Professor Smith. “It’s really hard to nail a 1L with a tough cold-call when you have bird shit dripping down your suit jacket.”

Students have overall been pleased with the change in campus atmosphere. “I’ve been stuck in Langdell studying for weeks,” said an anonymous 1L. “Now that the library ceiling is gone, it is basically impossible to get any studying done.”

Lesley University Students Respond to HLS Parody

The Record interviewed several Lesley University students that were in attendance for the HLS 2013 Parody. “It’s fine for HLS to make fun of Lesley University. We make fun of HLS all the time,” said one Lesley University junior.

The interviews took place at Lesley’s “Shops at Porter” over delicious Japanese food. “Over here at Lesley, we eat here for lunch every day. You eat…at the Hark, right?” “I don’t know how HLS students eat that shit.”

“And have you seen Gropius? We smoke pot in those stairways all the time and we can see how tiny the rooms are. We have it way better over in the Lesley dorms,” chipped in a freshman. “And anyway, I’ve met plenty of HLS students with over six figures of student loan debt. Most of us have zero. Can you say golden handcuffs?”

Another female student chipped in about the general attractiveness of HLS students. “Some nerdy douchebag tried to drop the h-bomb on me at Cambridge Common the other night. As if I would find his $200,000 in student loan debt and future career of indentured servitude attractive. I’ll stick to chill, athletic Lesley dudes, thank you very much.”