Leroy Jenkins

I’m a couple of weeks late with this topic, but I’m sure you’re all sick of hearing about the debates. (Like how Obama and Romney turned into the same person on the last one: pro-Israel, anti-China, milquetoasty.) Anyway, there is a certain Colleen Lachowicz, who is a Democratic candidate for the Maine state senate. She […]

A Rock and a Hard Place

I have a dilemma. For months now, I have been swearing left and right that I wouldn’t vote for either Romney or Obama. And now, I just don’t know. Quite obviously, I would never vote for Obama. First of all, he lacked moral integrity when he promised that he would shut down Guantanamo even though […]

Ten Things Romney and Obama Should Do Instead of Debating

Soon, it will be October, which means shorter days, all sorts of pumpkin-flavored shit, atrociously reffed football games, and the beginning of a seemingly interminable series of debates. Is anyone looking forward to these debates except to catch Mittens finally losing it and cussing out poor people? Despite the fact that Romney’s job for two […]

Must Louis Die?

As we trudge back to campus and into our regularly scheduled programming after a summer of either hazy debauchery and soul-sucking selling out or of getting a pre-graduation look at one’s impending impoverishment from a high horse, I have a few things to say in response to a certain Record piece and in general about […]

A Bunch of (Mostly) White Guys

I’ve been told that this is to be my last column this year, so I wanted to make it a super good one. Unfortunately, the little squirrel hostage I keep in my apartment who writes my columns and takes my finals for me (while stacked on top of ten other squirrels and wearing a trench […]

Mitt Romney is (Probably) not a Zombie Nixon

Recently, people have been asking whether Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are literally crazy. I don’t think anyone is asking this of Mittens, but mostly because someone who is considered that dull can’t possibly be crazy. (Disclaimer: Although I’m disappointed that Mittens thinks the Final Four happens in the middle of February, I do not […]


Hey y’all. In case any of you were wondering what I have been doing with myself, I was sick, beating a video game and then in Hotlanta for a week. I’ve also been in hiding due to the poor performance of my bracket. Which means, that a lot of really exciting-cum-terrible things have happened in my […]

Me No Likee

Yeah, the Super Bowl happened on Sunday. Yeah, I spent most of the day napping and fighting off crazed women in a Somerville Target. Yeah, I only watched the last thirty seconds of the game and then watched commercials online the day after. Although not nearly as good as huskies in a car, this commercial […]

A Real Republican

I could talk about a lot of (very hilarious) things this week, such as Newt Gingrich’s multiple marriages/affairs/increasingly scary wives, or Mitt Romney’s complete and total awkwardness, or Rick Santorum’s weird, chubby-faced bigotry. Ron Paul is—much like his ideas and, one would imagine, his libido—a non-starter. But, like a true Republican, I’m going to spend […]