Okay, so your fringe white nationalist belief system is finally picking up steam. How can you break into the lecture circuit and make your voice heard? If you’re serious about compelling storytelling, you’ll have to master Microsoft PowerPoint, the presentation software used by white people in fields as diverse as management consulting and operations consulting. So, go ahead, log onto the desktop computer your mom keeps in the basement but lets you use, and book a venue using your mom’s credit card. With these easy tips and tricks you’re sure to earn a standing ö-vation.
- Deliver a clear message on each slide
It’s common for beginners to stuff their slides with too many words. Just like the hairstyle you share with trendy uptown baristas, you’ll need to shave a lot off the sides and focus on what’s up top. Your audience shouldn’t have to squint to determine whether or not you’re in favor of a “white history month” (you obviously are). Your conclusions should be clear, even to the folks in the very back of the ballroom of the Sheraton off Morris Pike (congrats on booking that by the way, it’s a beautiful space).
- Don’t display your computer desktop to the audience
Why would someone trust you to “clean up” America’s bloodline if you can’t even keep the PDFs on your desktop organized? Who is going to take seriously your proposal to “outlaw all ice cream flavors except vanilla” after they see that your desktop background is your family’s faces superimposed onto the cast of Duck Dynasty? Avoid these pitfalls by opening your PowerPoint file before plugging into the AV system.
- Stick to sans serif
It’s happened to all of us — you pull your slides up on a new computer and the formatting is a mess! Pro tip: sans serif fonts are identical across machines, and we all know how happy it makes you when things all look exactly the same. Who needs fancy fonts anyway? I’m sure you agree that it’s the content of the characters that matters. The focus should be on you, your wily reactionary eyes reflecting the flames of the chafing dishes in the Radisson dining room (it’s a shame that the Sheraton canceled at the last minute, but honestly the Radisson off I-81 has a nicer lobby).
- Start with a quote
Let’s face it, everything you want to say has already been said more eloquently by someone else. So frame your presentation around a quote! Just be sure to check the accuracy of the quote you choose. As a quick test, which of these two quotes is fake — “keep calm and don’t intermarry” or “sing like no one is listening, maintain a strict genetic caste system like no one is watching”? I’ll give you a minute.
- Don’t read your slides verbatim
Feel free to use notecards to help keep you on track. Though, don’t forget to actually write words on them! It might seem like a good idea to just print out inspirational stock photos of straight white couples at dog parks, but once you’re up in front of a crowd, you’re liable to get nervous. Especially with the new venue being a bit less comfortable than the Radisson (super annoying that they suddenly had “major water main issues,” but hey, the back half of a Greyhound bus driving in circles around Whitefish, Montana honestly sounds just as good).
- Bring water with you
A bottle of water is great for those moments when you are suddenly overwhelmed by the sense that the ideological edifice you’ve built for yourself is a sham used to deflect your own deep-seated insecurities. A quick sip creates a natural pause for you to find your bearings and remind yourself why you got into this business in the first place: to prevent white genocide. Plus, staying hydrated is great for digestion.
- Don’t stand in front of the projector
Nothing ruins a lecture like blabbering on while the projector shines directly onto your face. Worse, it can get embarrassing — what if, in the midst of distancing yourself from the wrong-headed, unrefined views of neo-Nazis, you accidentally project a swastika onto your forehead? That’s bad messaging! Plus, if you accidentally stare into the projector bulb for too long, it could leave you unable to see color . . . not the sort of thing you want getting out.
- Animal photos!
Animal photos inject a little fun into an otherwise serious presentation. For you, I recommend baby-photos of the nematode worm. As larvae, the nematode worm eats its mother alive from inside the womb. Doesn’t this perfectly capture your conception of the natural world as intrinsically evil, with human beings’ only recourse being a strong leader to protect them? I can picture it now: your speech crescendos on a point about the parasitic nature of humanity, as you take another bite of the homemade sandwiches that your mother brought downstairs for you and your friends (let’s be honest, you were never actually going to leave your basement).
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