SCOTUS Justices Excited About Results of JOLT Mario Kart Tournament

Several Supreme Court Justices were very excited to learn the results of the JOLT Mario Kart Tournament. “Ever since I changed Harvard over to a fake grading system, it has been hard to differentiate students and find the best of the best to become Supreme Court clerks,” Justice Kagan said. “The JOLT Mario Kart Tournament provides a clear method to find the cream of the crop,” said Justice Roberts.

Justice Roberts has already hired the tournament winner for a clerkship in 2016. “Winning the JOLT Mario Kart Tournament is a clear display of legal prowess. Anyone who wins this prestigious competition surely has the intellectual horsepower to succeed as a Supreme Court clerk. It takes an immense amount of skill to launch a single banana backwards to spin out your opponent, like the winner had done in the last round.”

The HLS faculty were also eagerly anticipating the tournament results. Dean Minow has said that going forward the Sears Prize will now be given to the top two first-year and second-year students who progressed furthest in the tournament, instead of the students who achieved the highest grade point averages.

Susie Gunner, who has obtained a grade of Dean’s Scholar in every class for her first two years at HLS, is extremely upset at the attention given to the Mario Kart Tournament. “I have worked so hard over the past few years, and just because I got blue-shelled during Round Two my Supreme Court hopes are dashed forever.” Justice Scalia responded to her complaint: “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

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