Soon, it will be October, which means shorter days, all sorts of pumpkin-flavored shit, atrociously reffed football games, and the beginning of a seemingly interminable series of debates. Is anyone looking forward to these debates except to catch Mittens finally losing it and cussing out poor people? Despite the fact that Romney’s job for two years was to convince people to believe in a religion based on some golden plates found in upstate New York (do you know what kind of homunculi live in upstate New York?!) and that we are all the “spirit-children” of God, he is surprisingly terrible at debating. Also, while Barack is fairly charismatic, he’s probably fresh out of promises to break in his first year of reelection. Thus, even though this season’s television has already proven to be terrible (Lucy Liu as Dr. Watson, a whole mess of shows about gays that are indistinguishable from one another, and—as Ryan Lochte-cum-Seth MacFarland said—Goon), there are still things I’d rather see than Romney and Obama debating this Fall.
Ten things I’d rather watch Romney and Obama do this October:
1. Rap Battle: As Eminem has shown, the whiter you are, the better your chances, so I would put my money on Mittens. I mean, he even has a ballsy rap name all ready to go. Also guys, he grew up in Detroit and he had to deal with all those poor people (who were his servants)!
2. Beer Pong: I gotta say, this one is slanted to Barack. Romney probably hasn’t had a drink in decades, which explains so many things. On the other hand, if they’re playing doubles with their running mates, good money’s on Ryan, who can fratstar it up with the best of them. Hill Dog plays winner.
3. Dance Off: A myriad of possibilities here. We could do a Zoolanderesque model-off, a Magic Mike-style strip-off, or just a plain old DDR dance battle (assuming we can get that long-haired, middle-aged, greasy fatty off the DDR console).
4. Spelling Contest: Just don’t give Mittens “America.”
5. A Fight to the Death: How convenient would this be? Think of all the campaign money we could save if we just churned this election out Mad Max style. Also, we can feel good about the fact that POTUS is a bonafide killer. In a Hunger Games-like twist, we could make Sasha and Malia go up against the Mormon Boys and let God sort them out.
6. Mechanical Bull: If for no other reason than to see either of them wearing cowboy boots. Maybe even chaps.
7. Scavenger Hunt: First one to find Barack’s birth certificate, Romney’s tax records, Barack’s long-lost son and Romney’s other three wives wins.
8. Foxy Boxing: Finally, a way to involve the potential First Ladies that doesn’t involve baking. While Michelle has some pretty scary arms, Ann Romney has battled cancer, MS and women’s rights. This one would be a toss-up.
9. A Literal Pissing Contest: Don’t cross streams!
10. Gay Chicken: Everyone loses.
Lisa Wang is a 3L. Her column runs every other Thursday.
The views in opinion editorials, columns, and letters do not necessarily reflect the views of The Record.
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