Together Girl: The HL Record’s new advice column

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To the HLS Community:

Allow me to introduce myself. I am your resource for those embarrassing questions, your oracle of wisdom, your fount of advice, your personal Posner or Cardozo. You can ask me anything and still stay within the safety of your comfortable anonymity. I’m “Together Girl” because, clearly, I’ve got my life together. Just trust in my authority to solve all your problems, and the world will be a better place.

Since I’m just getting started in the Record, I’d appreciate it if you’d drop me a line. Ask a question, make a comment, tell me about your day. You’ll find me at hls.together.girl@gmail.com

Dear Together Girl,

Every time I try outlining, I fall asleep! It’s like I pick up my laptop and BAM, lightning hits me, and I wake up four hours later. What can I do?

-Sleepy in North

Dear SIN,

Outlining is for losers. All the cool kids color outside the lines.

Seriously though, you’re smart to get crackin’ on the outlines. It can be really hard to stay awake, because who has time for sleep in law school? You should first emerge from your dorm room (I know, the horror!) and attempt to work in Langdell, the Hark, or some other public place. The embarrassment of drooling on yourself in front of others can really help you stay awake.

If that doesn’t work, it might be time for some stimulant action. Time to quit drinking. You know, alcohol is a depressant, and we all know it can make you a bit drowsy. You can get coffee at the Hark Box for only $1, if you bring your own cup. Beyond that, there’s a wide world of very helpful substances out there: nicotine, Ritalin, Adderall, ecstasy, crack, crystal meth…

But I am certain that as a bright, upstanding, promising HLS student, you’d never, ever dream of dabbling in those. So my final suggestion:

Go to Hemenway, write variations of your initials on the signup sheet all the way down the page, set the treadmill to a snail’s pace, and get to work. If you nod off, you’ll drop your laptop and then go splat on the wall behind you, and that should help you wake up. Cheers!

Dear Together Girl,

Since I came to law school, I haven’t really developed any personal relationships. I seem to be surrounded by losers. But you sound cool. WHO ARE YOU HANG OUT WITH ME PLEASE!!!!!

-Lonely at HLS

Dear Lonely Heart,

First thing. You don’t know who I am. If you did, you wouldn’t want to hang out with me. You’d hate me, because I’m a loser like all the rest. Loserness is in the eye of the beholder.

Second thing. Despite what Dean Kagan told us all, each year, at that huge meeting before the semester started, law school is not for personal relationships. Law school is for networking, acquiring a degree, and “free” drink tickets and food that are like mini-refunds of your tuition. But if you really want help, I’d be happy to pass your name to this dude. He seems pretty down, and he’d probably hang out with you:

Yo T.G.,

I’m in love with this hottie. I see her every morning working out at Hemenway, and I just don’t know how to strike up a conversation. I’m tortured! Can you give me some tips?

-I’m Going to Win the Fitness Challenge

Dear Fitness Freak,

Do not, under any circumstances, smile at her or try to talk to her. That would be way too normal an interaction for law school. Instead, you should try:

1) Drafting a complaint, describing in numbered paragraphs exactly what problems she’s causing you and the precise relief you’d like her to give you. Hand it to her and run out of the gym really fast before she raises any objections.

2) Just staring at her until she comes over to talk to you.

3) Trying to find out what state she’s from (check out her workout wear to see if she’s got any state info on it). Then find out some exciting legal facts about that state. Talk about them loudly in conversation right behind her, to impress her.

4) Sending her a Facebook message. If you don’t know her name, just look through Sidebar.

5) Making cobra sounds while doing a little dance.

These are foolproof, unless, of course, she turns out to be an undergrad instead of a law student. The chances of that are approximately 78%. If she’s an undergrad, don’t bother, because she’ll just think you’re a creep.

Let me know how it goes!

**The “views” expressed in this “column” are not necessarily those of HLS or the Harvard Law Record. Any “advice” is to be followed at the Reader’s own risk. Together Girl, the Harvard Law Record, Harvard Law School, the State of Massachusetts, and the Planet Earth assume no liability, jointly or severally, for any “actions” that may be taken following the dissemination of this “column.”

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