BY PETER OSTROVSKI
Covered in war paint and donning their battle attire, over one hundred 1L’s took part in arguably the most epic battle in recorded history. After weather conditions forced two postponements of the monumental event, anticipation had mounted to gargantuan proportions, and each of the seven sections itched to definitively prove its superiority over the rest. HL Central’s 1L Cup, and the pride, glory, and bragging rights that accompany it, were on the line.
The contest began with the warriors showing off their uniforms. Sections 3 and 4 tried to outdo each other with complex physical maneuvers (human pyramids), while everyone not in Section 1 or 2 was left wondering how people own a Captain Planet or The Flash outfit and why these same individuals decided to bring said costumes to law school.
In an unprecedented two-team fight to the finish, the Section 6 Cobras brought out the raw energy and narrowly defeated the uncannily suave Section 007. Section 5’s 80’s theme did not win much favor with celebrity guest judge and 1L Cup founder Mike Glick ’08, who was likely reminded of just how old he really is.
The next event-this author is out of war metaphors-was a banana relay race. Maybe there’s some comparison to jousting, but that’s really not going to cut it. People put bananas between their legs and hopped around.
Nonetheless, the importance of each individual competition was not lost on the participants, who realized what was at stake. As Shannon Sorrells ’11 noted, “What Dean Kagan said at the beginning of the school year-that we’re off the treadmill, and we’ve won-is clearly false. Obviously you haven’t really won until you’ve won the 1L Cup.”
In the ensuing contest, another relay, competitors fished Hershey’s kisses out of a bowl of applesauce without using their hands. Expectedly, things got a bit messy. While some deftly maneuvered their tongues and found the candy within seconds, others spent minutes licking around the bowl and consuming unnatural amounts of applesauce.
If the previous competitions had seemed a bit impersonal, the next event brought everyone a bit closer. Using only pretzel rods held between their teeth, teams had to pass regular pretzels down a line and onto a table. With faces only inches apart, tense moments abounded. Though each squad tried to work the assembly line to perfection, only Section 6 achieved it with a record-breaking performance of 19 pretzels.
Next up was what event emcee Matthew Shinners ’09 (1L Cup MVP, 2006) referred to as a “good ol’ fashioned eating contest.” Participants were given a box of Chips Ahoy with two glasses of water and told to go at it. As expected, performances ranged from impressive to disturbing.
Section 6 once again had a superb showing with John Fordyce ’11 demolishing his container at an absurd rate, but like rubbernecking motorists, the audience could not keep its eyes off Igor Gorlach ’11 and David Casserly ’11, both of whom combined the cookies and water to make a sickening mush they surprisingly managed to finish and keep down.
After an exciting balloon popping challenge, the scene was set for the day’s final event, where spirits would be broken and champions would be crowned. Each section chose its bravest member to subject to some friendly torture, which entailed a series of irksome (yet fully constitutional) actions being done to the subject. After over five minutes of torment, Section 3 extracted the secret codes from its captive, Mithun Mansinghani ’11, the fastest and thus won the event.
Despite the strong showing, however, they could not catch up to Section 6, whose awe-inspiring consistency carried the day. When asked to choose an MVP, the group unanimously selected Fordyce, who hoisted the trophy to great applause.Asked to comment on the award, Fordyce instead gave an Oscar-like acceptance speech. “Earning the ‘MVP’ honor is probably the best thing to ever happen to me. Most importantly, I’d like to thank my parents for raising such an awesome kid. I’d also like to give a shout out to the rest of the COBRA participants for participating in the unequivocal domination of the field.”
Teammate and number one fan Marisa Cruz ’11 added, “Winning 1L cup as a section was a great way to get out of the classroom and get to know more people! Especially after the rain-outs and rescheduling, I think it was great that sections came together on a Sunday with work and subcites to do in the spirit of fun and competition.”Of course, such positive rhetoric came mostly from the winning team, as the others tried to rationalize their defeat while secretly plotting revenge in the months to come.