The Remand Investigates: Dean Kagan Loves the Yankees

BY HIDEKI MATSUE-YOU

Gloomy, gray skies and cold, horizontal rain can only mean one thing in Cambridge: Spring is here. And with Spring comes the return of baseball. Opening Day is usually considered a national holiday-a celebration of all things American. But this year, a dark shadow has descended on the game as the Remand’s investigation team has uncovered a shocking truth about our leader: Dean Elena Kagan loves the Yankees. Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA), orgasmic about the potential of pouring more Congressional time into professional sports, made a brief statement to the Remand. “These allegations are shocking. For the Dean of America’s premier law school to adore America’s premier sports team, albeit of the 20th Century, just goes to show how far the Axis of Evil has spread its influence.”

Kagan had long claimed to be an ardent New York Mets fan due to her upbringing in Queens, New York, traditional Mets terrority. This conveniently saved her from the wrath of both the thousands of obsessive Boston Red Sox fans in the Harvard area, and the equally strong contingent of general Yankee-haters in the student body.

The investigation began when a confidential source inside the FBI leaked information about unusual credit card activity by Dean Kagan, beginning in late October 2004. A card registered to Dean Kagan was used to purchase 2000 New York Yankees American League Champions sweatshirts from a distributor on Staten Island. A week later, after the Boston Red Sox swept the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series for the first time in 86 years, the same card was used to purchase several 2000 New York Yankees World Series Champion tees.

The informant stated, “This kind of sick, twisted behavior tipped federal authorities off to what could only be described as some disturbing denial on the part of Dean Kagan to the Yankees colossal 2004 collapse. At the time, we simply had no idea how deep and disturbing this story would get.”

Indeed, when the Red Sox opened the 2005 campaign with a stirring ring ceremony at Fenway Park-America’s Most Beloved Ballpark, by the way-Dean Kagan was pictured holding a “1918” poster. She was living a lie, and the Remand was onto it.Further investigation discovered that, in fact, Dean Kagan is a native of Staten Island, that least-loved borough, and not Queens. At a faculty cocktail party last year, an innocent joke about “Garbage Island” caused Kagan to launch into a defensive tirade about the importance of the former Fresh Kills landfill. “Staten Island has more than trash and gangsters!” Kagan reportedly yelled. “What about Wu-Tang Clan? Wu-Tang!”

The truth about Kagan’s loyalties and hometown were a source of comfort to others afflicted with the malady of being Staten Island-born Yankees fans. “I felt so alone,” said former Law Review president Aileen McGrath ’07. “To know someone else delusionally believes Don Mattingly is a Hall of Famer – it means everything.”Professor Alan Dershowitz commented, “We all should have guessed that Elena’s leadership style was more George Steinbrenner than John Henry. The Red Sox are good at ruthlessly buying up the best talent, but the Yankees are the best.”Added Professor Noah Feldman, “I’m willing to admit that I am your Johnny Damon if you will all start calling me ‘Law School Jesus.’ But I’m not cutting the hair.”Nobody would have guessed that someone like Elena Kagan would have been caught up in something so horrible and dehumanizing. After all, she had always been a superstar, just like her idol, Derek Jeter. She had it all. The stellar educational credentials, political savvy, rugged good looks, and a sense of style that could make Armani himself swoon with jealous adoration. And she threw it all away for a sad devotion to a pathetic and evil religion. Indeed, the scandal makes one think of the famous line of Sir Thomas More in A Man For All Seasons, “Why Richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world. But for Wales!”

And so we must ask a similar question: Why Elena, it profits a lawyer nothing to give up her stellar career (the soul long since lost somewhere around January of 2L year) for the whole world. But for the Yankees?

Just as Casey’s mighty swing reverberated around the stadium that day, so has Elena Kagan’s love of the New York Yankees cast shockwaves around Harvard Law School. The squirrels have stopped scurrying, the six blades of grass which inhabit Holmes Quad droop with the weight of the news, and word is that US News and World Report has dropped HLS to (gasp) Tier 2 status. Elena Kagan has struck out…just like her favorite player, A-Rod, in the clutch.

Let the games begin.

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