Dean Kagan Hires Every Law Professor in the Country


The new Harvard Law faculty at their orientation meeting.

Harvard Law School’s communications office announced today that HLS has hired every law professor in the country, solidifying its position as the preeminent law school in America.

Dean Elena Kagan said that she got the idea from recent additions to the faculty. “As soon as we’d hire one professor from, say, Columbia or Chicago,” said Kagan, “he or she would suggest another prize we should grab. We hired two, then three, then finally realized we were only delaying the inevitable.”

“Plus,” added Kagan, “our U.S. News ranking was being held back by our student-teacher ratio.” Harvard’s student-teacher ratio, formerly 11:1, currently stands at 1:17.

The new additions will cause the law school’s faculty payroll to balloon from $30 million to $9 billion. Kagan brushed aside worries about financial strain on the school noting that “this university has upwards of 40 billion kazillion dollars. Also, we’ll just hit up some alumni.”

Harvard completed its monopoly yesterday by hiring the final holdout, William van Alstyne, from William and Mary. Van Alstyne, who had moved to William and Mary from Duke after William and Mary agreed to hire his wife, was swayed after Harvard agreed to hire his wife, three children, 6-year-old grandchild, and his dog, Oliver Wendell Bones, who will all teach legal research and writing.

While most other law schools have folded, Virginia announced plans to continue operations, handing over teaching roles to its 80-strong softball coaching staff. Reactions from the Virginia student body on the difference will be printed in the Record the next time a Virginia student attends a class.

Said Jack Goldsmith, who was hired by Harvard in 2004 from Virginia, “It’s nice to see some of my old colleagues here.” Added Goldsmith, “Also, everyone else.”

In a surprising reaction, Looney Tunes announced its intention to create a rival law school, featuring Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Tweety Bird, Bill Murray, and Barack Obama, whose recent presidential race caused Harvard to overlook his status as an adjunct law professor on leave from Chicago.

Yale Law School objected to Kagan’s claims, observing that their faculty remained intact. Kagan dismissed the allegations, noting that no one actually teaches law at Yale.

New faculty offices will be located on the international space station currently under construction (see Space Station, A3).

Kagan added, “I think of Harvard as the Earth of law schools.”

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