I must admit, Dean Kagan gives a good State of the School address. She spoke about all her wonderful accomplishments and all the changes made to help make this school not just livable but actually a pleasant place to be. As one friend of mine described it, “it was just a great big group hug.” We all left feeling warm, fuzzy, and misty-eyed. However, with no disrespect meant, I must point out that some segments of the audience felt like Dean Kagan was not fully addressing their needs.
For instance: as a man, I find it difficult to get too excited over the free tampons in the restrooms. In addition, group hugs are not that appealing to me. What we need is something that no woman can ever give us. We need a State of the School address aimed at the unique needs of us men – a speech about beer, television, sports, bloody conquests, and urinals. Out of the goodness of my heart, I have composed just such a speech, in order to give something back to the school that has given me so much. In filling this need, I hope to make all the men here a little bit happier. The speech:
Good evening, strong and glorious men of Harvard Law School. I have one thing to say to all of you gathered here today. I said it last year, but I will say it again: The smell of beer is strong here at Harvard Law School. Many of you, both the returning students and the entering ones, expressed some worries that there might not be copious amounts of free alcohol this year. In response to that I want to reassure you that after speaking with many student groups, as well as the Law School Council and HL Central, I have determined that there will be many opportunities for you all to partake of free beer. In addition, there will be enough free pizza served to make you never want to touch a slice again for the rest of your life. As part of our effort to help you all stretch your student budgets as far as they will go, the HLS Republicans and the HLS Democrats will be sponsoring trips to New Hampshire for the express purpose of buying liquor at reduced prices.
Unfortunately, there is still little progress in the areas of television and sports. The new TV upstairs in the Hark is an improvement, and we will be showing some baseball games in the first floor lounge. However, that is about it. Sorry.
I would now like to discuss what might possibly be the most important issue to the males at the Law School. This is the state of the urinals. In this area we have made tremendous strides, although there is still a long way to go. The first-floor restrooms in Pound Hall are aesthetically pleasing, but the urinals there have one major drawback. The height of leaves most men with their stream aimed squarely at the hard, flat part of the urinal. This tends to create a big splash-back problem, where little droplets of urine rebound off the back wall and make a home for themselves on your pants. As you can imagine, no one likes this. In addition, the sinks tend to have water pooling up along the edge so that if you bump up against the edge while washing you hands, you end up getting your pants wet. These issues will be dealt with in the near future. The urinals in Langdell are in better shape in terms of placement and splash, although the tiling in the bathrooms is not particularly conducive to the relaxation needed to relieve oneself.
The strangest urinal planning is evident in the Hark bathroom. There, the urinals have a strange pointed lip at the bottom. This lip is odd not only in its triangular shape, but in its unnatural depth. The “twilight zone” sensation is enhanced by the placement of rubber mats under each urinal that match the shape of the unit. I am wondering what the point of those mats are. Did they imagine that we would miss the receptacle to the extent that traction would be a problem in the restroom?
Notwithstanding these issues, Harvard Law School is and will continue to be a wonderful place for men to be. We look forward to spending another year drinking beer, cheering on sports teams, and standing up to pee. Good luck to all of you.
DK is a 1L who spends way too much time thinking about urinals when he should be reading Civ Pro.