After several weeks of trying to hunt up enough articles on little-attended panel discussions to fill up 8 pages of teeny tiny font, The Record’s relatively new editor-in-chief, Anna Brook, has gone off the deep end. “From now on I will keep a daily log of my activities and profound thoughts and publish it in The Record every Thursday,” she declared at a three-quarters empty staff meeting in the Hark Pub. “Matt Boulos will still have his job as copy editor, but the rest of you can take a break until I get tired of this. Which will be never, since I can write about myself indefinitely.”Reactions were mixed. “This is great,” said managing editor Andrea Saenz. “At least now I won’t have to put up with 100 emails per day asking who is covering the Issues in Panda Cam Law Panel.” Opinion editor Katie Mapes was not as happy, “This better not last,” she said, “I have many, many sassy editorials to share, you know.” Boulos was perhaps the unhappiest staff member. “Great, now I’ll be the only one who reads The Record,” he said. “Nobody will appreciate my incredible efforts to catch comma splices, or my amazing ability to correct American spelling errors despite being, you know, totally Canadian.” Below are excerpts from the next issue, leaked to the public by an overworked Boulos.
I woke up shortly after 7am on Tuesday with sunlight peeking through the curtains. I thought this was way too early and went back to sleep. I had a dream, I cannot recall the full details of it, but I’m sure it was interesting. Anyway, I finally stumbled out of bed and ran to check my email. Just a few listserv digests. Weird that no one emailed between 2am and this morning. I felt so lonely, a whole 6 hours and no emails. Perhaps there would be someone online. Nope, only SmarterChild. At least that’s good to check weather, but I stuck my hand out the window instead.
Boulos vouched that this was the most interesting part of the entire issue. The rest dealt with deciding what color nail polish to use for the week, whether it was worth wearing heels to class or if it was better to slum it again and wear those ubiquitous Derek Jeter sneakers, and what brand of toothpaste to purchase. He and DK are currently planning a secret coup. Which is probably not so secret anymore.