Law Review Breeding Super-Minority to Take Over as President


It turns out members of the Harvard Law Review are more than up-and-coming legal scholars. They are also pretty darned good at human genetic engineering. With the recent publicity for Barack Obama, the first African-American president of the Law Review, and the election of Andrew Crespo, the first Latin-American president of the Law Review, the inhabitants of Gannett House have decided to take another giant leap towards diversity.

Secret files uncovered by midnight cleaning staff reveal that the Harvard Law Review is in the process of breeding the ultimate minority candidate to take over as its president once she is old enough. The goal, according to the files, is to have a Native American-Philippino-African/Latino American Swedish-speaking with a touch of French, president by the year 2030. The calculations show that if the candidate is born within the next year, she will be eligible for Law Review presidency by age 22.

To ensure the child’s intellectual ability, she will be raised in the confines of Gannett House. Plans indicate that the child will only read Law Review articles and the Bluebook from her early years and will have Judge Posner dolls instead of the usual Barbie dolls that do nothing but give young girls body image issues. Harvard Law School admission will be guaranteed by sending the child to Harvard for her undergraduate studies.

According to the file, the Law Review plans to organize a number of LLM happy hours in the coming months with an abundance of liquor. “Between the liquor and the general spring mating season, we are virtually guaranteed several subjects to work with. Like Sparta, we will only select the most promising newborn to train,” reads a hand-written note attached to a proposed happy hour schedule.

Behind the schedule is a list of LLMs considered prime genetic material for the task based on grades, national origin, but definitely not looks. Several JD candidates were also included, but that list was significantly shorter. The future of newborns who do not make the cut is not mentioned in the file, but the Sparta reference does not sound promising.

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