Harvard Law’s human rights community was hit hard on Monday by an anti-President Bush protest that went wrong, leaving nine with third-degree burns, six others in serious condition at Mass General Hospital, and scorch marks scarring Jarvis Field.
After protesting against a federal judge with black hoods and chanting, burying the Constitution in the flower beds, and hanging anti-war bed sheets from the library, leftist students concerned about American human rights abuses decided to one-up themselves via a mass self-immolation at the law school. It was intended to simultaneously protest U.S. inaction in Sudan, continued mistreatment of Guantanamo detainees, and the return of tapered jeans.
However, before the students could wrap themselves in flags, douse themselves in gasoline, and set themselves ablaze, they found themselves the subjects of a number of counter-protests. The Student Animal Defense Legal Fund loudly picketed the burning, angry that the pointy sticks recently set up on Holmes Field to demonstrate Iraqi war deaths had caused four Harvard squirrels to die by impalement.
“They say Iraqi lives are worth as much as American lives, but they turn their heads to the negligent homicide of innocent rodents!” said a counter-protester. “And the snacks for the immolation-viewing are not vegan. SHAME.”
The human rights students tried to press on with their demonstration, only to face a counter-counter-demonstration from the Environmental Law Society.
“The animal rights signs are only 10% post-consumer content,” explained a counter-counter-protester. “That is ridiculous. Plus, if people want to set themselves on fire, we should let them! Think about how low their carbon footprints will be if they don’t pull through.”
Topping off the chaos was a counter-counter-counter protest from members of the Federalist Society, who formed a human chain around all three groups and began to chant, “Hippies are lame.”
“And you better not be using Chavez-approved Citgo gasoline to set those fires, you freedom-hating libs,” yelled Fed Soc president Dan Sullivan.
The four groups quickly got into a screaming match, and a few minutes later, Jarvis Field was one enormous fireball.
Most students escaped with minor burns, and there were no fatalities. The students still in intensive care are expected to be released next week.
“I am truly saddened by this senseless tragedy,” said Dean Kagan after the conflagration. “I meant to have a full-time team of sexy firefighter-slash-strippers at the law school to improve public safety, but Dean Cosgrove cut it out of my budget. This might never have happened.”