BY MATT JUSTUS
After you’ve tired yourself out on slasher flicks, go ahead and rent one of these clunkers. Rage at how terrible they are, laugh at the idea that they were made in the first place, or be frightened by the fact that between them, they grossed over $548 million.
1. The Terminal (2004) – A film so pointlessly saccharine that I was literally begging it to end, pleading with the television for release. The film takes 128 minutes to tell its potentially-cute story, though the protagonist must straighten out the lives of literally everyone working at the airport before he leaves, including arranging a marriage between two people who have never met and getting a senior citizen sent off to prison in India.
2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) – Within 133 minutes, George Lucas managed to destroy the childhood memories of an entire generation. Filled with transparent marketing ploys (the podrace) and pandering to the nine year olds who could convince their parents to buy the most toys (just about everything else), one almost has to wonder whether the same person wrote the original trilogy. Sure, the fight sequence in the end is well-choreographed, but even the ending is ultimately an anticlimax as irritating young Anakin manages to destroy the droid army by means of a slapstick accident. Most unforgiveably, the film introduced the world to Jar-Jar Binks – the less said about that, the better.
3. Catwoman (2004) – Evil makeup executives want to market a dangerous product, so it’s up to Oscar-winner Halle Berry as Catwoman to take them down. What ever happened to the class action lawsuit? Sharon Stone plays the villain, who got super powers from using some of these cosmetic products or whatever. The movie also includes an erotic basketball game, Berry’s character being resurrected from the dead by a bunch of cats, and a costume so cheesy it almost makes one nostalgic for the days of bat-nipples.
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