BY VERUCA SALT
Following the success of the Harvard Law ice rink and beach volleyball courts, Dean Elena Kagan announced Monday that the law school will now be erecting a life-sized candy wonderland on Jarvis Field outside Harkness Commons.
“It is our hope that the student body will greatly enjoy this new effort to improve their quality of life,” Kagan said at a press conference. “In particular, we hope they will enjoy the candy patio chairs and jungle gym, as well as the life-sized nougat statue of Thurgood Marshall.”
Dean of Students Ellen Cosgrove explained that the field would also sport peanut brittle picnic tables, cotton candy trees, a toffee racquetball court, and three kegs of beer. “They’re not made from candy,” she said. “It’s just beer. Go crazy.”
Student leaders had some tough questions for the administration. “What else will you be including in the budget for next year?” asked BLSA president Mandy Price. “Will HLS be hiring new minority faculty to make up for how badly we lag behind Yale and our peers on that measure?”
“I said the nougat statue was of Thurgood Marshall,” Kagan offered. “That’s a start.”
“What about more financial aid grant money to make up for Harvard’s total lack of institutional scholarships?” asked another student.
“Do you realize that FYL still sucks?” asked a 1L. “Does anyone care? Are you asking chimpanzees to redesign this thing every year? Bueller?”
“Let’s not get too crazy now,” said Kagan, signaling an assistant in an Oompa-Loompa costume to pass one-pound boxes of chocolate to the assembled audience. “We have to be very responsible with our time and resources.”
“We are also replacing all the flowers on campus with sugar cookies on sticks,” added Cosgrove. “And the rocks with gumballs.”
Law School Council President Zach Prager was also on hand to take credit. “We made sure they used soy milk for the hot chocolate river the school will be constructing through the dorms,” he said proudly. “LSC is on top of the most important issues here at the law school.”