Welcome to The H.L.S., Bitch!

BY KATIE MAPES

Summer vacation is fast approaching. Not fast enough, of course, a realization forced on me the other day when right after thinking “Hey, it’s almost March! That means Spring!” I saw someone actually skating on the ice skating rink. But maybe that’s a good thing, because with the advent of summer, I have to leave the sheltered, wireless-enabled, no Friday-class-having realm of school and set off into the world to have a real job. Well, not a real job, a summer internship. But that’s one step closer to a real job, which makes me displeased.

As such, my mind has naturally turned towards ways to continue to put off real work, preferably forever. Naturally, my first thought was to become a law professor, but it turns out, oddly enough, that those positions are pretty selective, which brings me back to the drawing board. But now I think I’ve stumbled on a guaranteed winner. The 1L style law school memoir I floated back in November wasn’t much of a hit, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try fiction, right? I’ve experimented with some possibilities. I think one of these is guaranteed to parlay my law school experience into a pop-culture phenomenon.

The H.L.S.

Trouble is brewing at the sepia-toned Suffolk Law School and it all comes to a head one day when struggling public-defender-to-be, Brian Batwood, gets expelled for not having a sufficient grasp of black letter law. He also gets beat up. Because Suffolk is tough that way. Fortunately, Brian’s hip-yet-wise Civil Procedure professor, Joseph Glannon, takes him across the river to Cambridge where his policy-oriented style is better suited, and sets him up as a student at the H.L.S.

At first Brian is enthralled by the wealthy, beautiful students frolicking on the campus ice skating rink and snorting coke at the super-cool Hark Pub. But when a Karaoke night hosted by the California Club gets out of hand, Brian starts to wonder. Does he belong back across the river after all? Why does he have to go all the way back to his old ‘hood to catch a decent movie? And can he talk Prof. Dershowitz into representing him at his 18 forthcoming assault and battery trials? To learn this and more, tune in next week for another exciting episode of The H.L.S.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure

Young Lucy Pevensie could hardly believe it when she stepped through the wardrobe into the wondrous land of Harvard Law School. She looked around at the glistening icicles and the snow-covered buildings, and knew she was in a magical fantasy land.

But before long, she met a family of talking squirrels who informed her that all wasn’t right in the magical land of Harvard. For one thing, it was always winter but never cold enough to freeze the damn ice skating rink. For another, her feckless brother Edmund had been seduced by the White Witch & Assorted Evil Animals, L.L.P., who had enticed him to a “reception” where they had forced him to don “business-casual” and fed him enchanted appetizers, like those little shrimp puffs and tiny meatballs on sticks.

Now Edmund is held captive in the dark towers of Manhattan and it is up to Lucy and her siblings, Peter and Susan, to save him and free the land from its captors. They are aided in their quest by almighty Judge Posner, who gives to Peter a shield bearing the Royal Crest of Harvard (because asparagus represents nobility) and a Powerbook; to Susan, a small public interest stipend; and to Lucy, a copy of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure (with selected amendments). Will this be enough? Will three children be able to triumph over all the evil that law school can throw at them? If OCS’s job placement statistics are any guide, probably not.

Law and Order: Student Clinicals Unit

When Becky signs up for the clinical component of Parking Tickets and Minor Traffic Infractions Law, she can’t wait to fight for truth and justice as an extern at the Department of Justice: Traffic Division. But when her first case involves prosecuting a frat boy, Tad, who double parked his car outside the liquor store one too many times, some uncomfortable memories are awakened and she begs to be taken off the case.

After a long talk with her tough-talking clinical supervisor, however, Becky’s ready to face her father’s double-parking past and walks into court with her head held high. Like 99.9% of defendants in parking-related offenses, Tad tries to claim the insanity defense, but Becky gives an impassioned closing argument and the judge sentences Tad to traffic school. Becky receives a “Pass” in her clinical.

With these, I think I’m guaranteed a cushy Hollywood job. I’m looking forward to the palm trees and the year-round sunshine, but I have to admit. I’ll miss my brisk morning wade in the ice skating pond.

Katie Mapes, 1L, would totally take a parking ticket clinical.

Comments