BY LIBIN ZHANG
Your correspondent was greatly excited when he discovered at this school that he could join a real genuine fraternity, an institution that has been long banned at ye olde alma mater ever since an incident with a donkey, two gerbils, and a video-camera. According to the Lincoln’s Inn website [temporarily unavailable as of this writing], the Inn is a social organization, founded in 1907, where “students meet to relax after hard weeks of study.” Distinguished alumni include three current Supreme Court Justices. The high membership fee is rather prohibiting, however, even after the cost was lowered from $450 to $250 out of altruistic generosity. Your correspondent failed to convince his parents that a membership is a priceless investment in networking with the law school’s best and brightest.
Fortunately, your correspondent discovered a little-known alternate social organization, known as Fillmore’s Motel, that is run out of the first floor of Ames Hall. Founded in honor of our beloved former President Millard Fillmore, best known for his dying words, “the nourishment is palatable,” the Motel is a place where students meet to relax after not studying at all. It is conveniently located in the center of dormitory life and populated by colorful characters whose names have been modified for this article. Best of all, membership is free.
The main perk of Fillmore’s Motel is the free alcohol, generously contributed by charter Motel members, such as A-Bead Girl, Second Secretary of Cleanliness, Guy in 112, and White RuPaul, as well as the crucial industry benefactors of Thursday LSC Happy Hours and Lincoln’s Inn. The liquor is in constant supply, but even more impressive is the variety of exotic and just-invented drinks, based on human ingenuity at coming up with ways to mix a limited number of ingredients. There are no restricting and inconvenient social norms: One of the Motel’s mottos can be translated from the original Latin as, “Try a Bloody Mary. They’re breakfast appropriate.”
Of course, as Section Lush Cutie would say, “beer is not dinner,” and the Motel offers an extensive calendar of dinner plans and social engagements, sometimes co-sponsored by other student organizations. Past excursions included subsidized bar reviews at Hoffa’s and the Tavern, clubbing trips to the Gypsy and the Big Easy, and visits to Rock Star-themed parties at 38 Roberts Street. Your correspondent is eagerly anticipating the Kwanzaa Dress Formal and a road trip to visit Millard Fillmore’s birthplace in New York. During one social excursion, the bar known as Kell’s charitably and unwittingly ‘donated’ a Jack Daniels drinks mat to the Motel.
There are extensive social opportunities in the Motel Lobby itself, particularly when faithful members gather to watch the highly engaging, Caucasian-American-oriented shows of Seventeen, Laguna Beach, My Super Sweet 16, and the O.C.. At other times are more leisurely and educational diversions. An example: during a game of Truth or Dare, the female Motel membership were greatly surprised to learn that men semi-regularly trim their pubic hair; A didactic Token Asian Man explained emphatically, “it grows out of control!” to which Guy in 112 added, “It’s like a jungle.” The revelation was followed by an exciting and successful game of metric Spin the Bottle by Area Canadian Girl.
The Motel is no stranger to avant-garde personal self-expression and the struggle for civil rights. Charter Motel founder Fellow Record Columnist saunters around the Motel Lobby and Dane Annex completely naked to show support for Tibetan independence. Some girls have been known to walk around only in a precariously tucked towel. Since Fellow Record Columnist is from San Diego, it is not entirely surprising that his lower body appears to be visibly feeling somewhat chilly.
The Motel leadership has recently launched a Capital Campaign to solicit tax-deductible donations to upgrade the Outdoor Smoking Lounge and install a Motel Dinner Bell. Around the Motel lobby are plaques immortalizing some priceless words of drunken wisdom:
On nutrition: “Water is the Devil’s Juice.”
On geology: “You should not play with sand in your bed.”
On public health: “I hate people. When is this bird flu coming?”
On labour rights: “Strange things happen to people who get drunk all the time. Occupational hazard.”
Some funds will be used for a Public Outreach Campaign so that the Janitor doesn’t take down the signs.
The future looks bright for Fillmore’s Motel. Newly installed is an extremely state-of-the-art Bulletin Notification System for important memoranda and agendas of discussion. The upcoming discussion is on the merits of Kristin and LC vis-à-vis dating Stephen and whether Jason is really the right man for Jessica. With the sad recent disappearance of the Lawker in this newspaper, enterprising Motel members have created their own Unofficial Lawker for important notices, such as who is leaving the toilet seat up and which ladies are leaving short, curly hairs in the showers.
The fine establishment of Fillmore’s Motel is highly recommended for all individuals who have the necessary qualifications of charisma, wisdom, and alcohol tolerance to be invited as members. For the rest, there exist a few discretionary slots to implement the Motel’s affirmative action policy. More information is accessible through the Official Motel Website (facebook.com Group).
Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for the next installment’s thorough review of the upcoming Lincoln’s Inn “You Got Served” Hip Hop Dance-a-thon.
Libin Zhang once read a dubious scientific study showing that prayer is effective at healing certain medical conditions. Since then, he occasionally prays for the control group in prayer experiments. Write your comments and review suggestions to lszhang@law.