BY KATIE MAPES
In a desperate attempt to avoid a) the rain, and b) any mention of law school, I fled south to Washington D.C. for the long weekend. Unfortunately, I failed on both counts. And even worse, I was reminded that my friends who aren’t in law school managed to graduate from college and, get this, find productive employment. Who knew, right?
Anyway, between watching industrious members of society and gazing at all the big marble buildings (pretty), I was inspired. No more will I revel in law school as a way to avoid the real world for three more precious years. I intend to find a summer job that can get me started on the career I’ve always dreamed of. Or, at least the type of career I’ve always dreamed of, which is one involving power, money, and exotic Caribbean vacations. I know 1Ls aren’t allowed to send out resumes until December 1st, but I want to get a jump on my classmates, so I’ve already started writing cover letters. Because I feel we’ve built up a real bond of trust over the last few weeks, I’m happy to share. Use them as models, even. You, too, can have a real job someday.
To: Hiring PartnerWolfram & Hart, LLPFrom: Katie MapesRE: Summer Associateship
Dear Minions of Evil,
I’m writing to express my admiration for your firm, and my willingness to sell my soul to you for a choice summer associateship. Well, not literally. Actually, literally too, at least if you still have the $60 lunch budget.
Reading my resume, I believe you’ll see I’m an ideal candidate. I have a bachelors degree in Netherworldly Studies, with a minor in Necromancy. As a 1L at Harvard Law School, I’ve joined the Alternative Dispute Resolution program and am focusing on summary executions, dictatorial mandates, and also witch trials. Next semester, I hope to publish a student note I’m writing on Comparative Demonic Legal Systems. Finally, this semester I’ve joined the staff of the Harvard Journal of Law and Public Policy.
As you can see, I think I’d be a great fit with your firm. I’m particularly interested in your branch in the Seventh Circle of Hell. I’ve included my resume for your consideration and eagerly await your call.
To: Judge Hanging TenSupreme Court of HawaiiFrom: Katie MapesRE: Summer Clerkship
Dear Judge Ten,
I’m writing to express my interest in a summer clerkship with you. A first year at Harvard Law School, I’ve always been especially interested in the special legal challenges Hawaii faces. In particular, I admire your opinion in the case of Sun v. Sandy Beach [543 Hi 3d 345 (2002)], and would like to do my part in helping to research and create similarly influential precedents. Possibly ones involving SPF 15.
I have had previous experience on similar issues. My work on Harvard’s Journal of Law and Tropical Fish has given me perspective on the unique legal issues inherent in snorkeling, and I’m vice-president of the HLS Advocates for Underrepresented Beach Bums. I also order mai tais two, sometimes three times per week.
As you can see, I’d be a valuable asset to the Hawaii Supreme Court. I appreciate your time and consideration.
To: Whom it May Concern.Central Intelligence AgencyFrom: Katie MapesRE: CLASSIFIED
Dear Mr. It May Concern,
I am a first year student at Harvard Law School, and am writing to inquire about a summer position in your department. I’ve always pictured myself working in intelligence. As a child, I had a miniature periscope, which I once used to track a suspected enemy agent, or possibly my dog. This interest continued into my college years where I became adept at gathering intelligence (colloquially known as “gossip”), and analyzing (“mocking”) that information over a beer.
I have perfected those skills in law school and, using sophisticated computer technology, expanded my intelligence gathering activities even to class time. My covert activities have remained stealthy and undetected, excepting one unfortunate incident in legal writing.
I think I’d be a great addition to the CIA team, and look forward to unseating any uppity democracies Latin America may choose to throw at us in the next few months. I look forward to your call.
The eagle flies at midnight,
With job possibilities like these, why would I be jealous of my high-powered Washington friends? Except, possibly, the fact that they’re spared the crushing student loan burden. But, God willing, I won’t be confronted with that until my next vacation.
Upon seeing the new baby panda, Katie Mapes, 1L, decided to drop out of law school and become a veterinarian.