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Rock-Solid Abs in 7 Minutes. Total Loss of Dignity in 3.

We already knew that older students were a little “different” from the rest of us – i.e., we occasionally need to stop talking and would never wear sweaters with ducks on them. Nevertheless, we consider them very special members of the Harvard Law community. Sure, they have all the in-class inhibitions of Mike Pryosz after 37 cans of PBR. And maybe they keep the Torts class hostage with droning insights from their previous work experience (read: disastrously-aborted careers). And yes they’re the only people in an 80-person lecture not to realize that the professor has taken to lecturing almost entirely to the other side of the classroom so as to avoid their frantic gesticulations, hands waving like 3rd graders with little trickles of pee beginning to show down the leg of their sweatpants.

But at least they’re good for something. Up to this point, we had thought that “something” consisted of filling out the lower end of the curve, dressing in tapered denim, and popping out the occasional baby. But it turns out that they also excel at getting physical and letting us hear their body talk, which we discovered one late night after seeing Karen Suber on an infomercial for “Fitness Made Simple.” In case you missed it, Fitness Made Simple has posted a missive from Karen under the “Success Stories” portion of its website. We reproduce the entire letter below:

Dear FMS,

I’m 36 years old and I’m in the best shape of my life…and my shape is getting better every day thanks to Fitness Made Simple. I’m at this point because through FMS I finally got it. In order to make real improvements in my body I had to combine changes in my diet, weight training, and cardio workouts. What a difference combining those three made!

I initially chose the Fitness Made Simple programs because I was motivated by John’s success story – how he changed his own body through the very same exercises I would be doing. Now I look forward to working out with John every day because he keeps me motivated and committed to the exercise programs. I have stuck with the programs because the exercises and the nutritional tips work! I notice the difference in my body and in how my clothes fit. These days I am wearing the tailored, sexy clothes I love to wear, including sleeveless shirts. I just love the muscle tone I see all over my body.

What I have found to be particularly useful is John’s tip that all I have to do is work on making one aspect of my routine better each day. Honestly, for me, it may take a few days to make my routine better rather than just one :-), but it’s okay because I realize that I am making changes for the rest of my life and not just for next week or month!!!

My body feels great, I feel great, and I have more energy than I have ever had…energy that comes in handy at Harvard Law School!

Thanks John!

All the best,KarenCambridge, MA

For the record, we have no fucking clue what Fitness Made Simple is, despite the infomercial having been on the air for roughly 63 years. Don’t get us wrong, Karen does look hot. Although the talk of her “muscle tone” and “sexy clothes” has left us as speechless, ruddy-cheeked, and embarrassed as the first time we heard Khia order us to lick her “pussy and her crack.”

Non-Ambiguously Gaysian Duos

We admit there’s a lot of weird shit going on around this campus (like 26-year old virgins, dudes with Superman tats, and transferring 2Ls somehow sleeping their way onto law review), but what’s with the ubiquity of certain kinds of Asian-Caucasian pairings? It’s true that Asian girls are the “last stop” before Gaytopia, but we suspect the real reason behind these odd bedfellows is to share each other’s pair of the season’s must-have fashion item – fitted gauchos.

We’ll leave it up to you to figure out which one’s a little light in the Pumas: – Katie Chang and Alex Abdo (Superpower: Kill you with kindness and boredom)- Susie Rhee and Keith McIntire (Superpower: Nonchalance that’s so affected, it’s disaffected)- Eun Young Choi and David Flugman (Superpower: You familiar with the X-Men character Banshee?)- Mariko Miki and James Doty (Superpower: More cattiness than a Texas homecoming queen at her Sweet Sixteen)- Angela Kim and Kevin Brogan (Superpower: Firecrotch)- Christie Gressman and Kevin Chan (yeah, he’s not a law student, so sue us) (Superpower: Exude more Harajuku-ness than Gwen Stefani at a Hello Kitty expo)

Report: Some Harvard Students Smart; Others Developmentally Retarded

Even apart from the doofus who embarrassed all 500 attendees by asking Scalia about Bush v. Gore during a panel on the role of judges a few weeks ago, a number of you have been going out of your way to show that you’re on shaky ground when it comes to interacting with other humans. A few examples:

Scene: A random encounter in front of the HarkRandom Student: Hi.Soren Aandhal: It’s hard to look this good.

Scene: A party at the Temko & Portnoy residence

Janet Temko [sauced]: [blah, blah, blah]Fritz Scanlon: Ugggggh……..

At the same time, we’d like to give out some gold stars for high achievement. Congrats to Eun Young Choi, who landed a clerkship in the Southern District and announced it on her Friendster profile, a full year before she assumes the position. Also on the clerkship beat, legal eagle / fetus protector Tracy Dodds will be working for Article III gorgon Edith Jones come next fall. And you thought Katrina and Rita were a havoc-wreaking one-two punch. Back to the retarded, a blind item: which gellin-like-Magellan 3L was recently labeled a “matt damon with down syndrome” on the AutoAdmit message board?

Bush and Miers, Best Friends with Benefits

Harriet Miers seems poised to follow in a long tradition of Justices who fell from the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down. There’s the portly Scalia, who resembles Penguin from Batman Returns; Ginsburg, who was embalmed three years ago and doesn’t know it; Stevens, fresh off the set of Gremlins; and Breyer, who lost all of his hair at the ripe age of twelve. Since Miers’ nomination was announced, numerous proposed Doppelgangers have emerged: Jerri Blank from Strangers with Candy, Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day, the crypt keeper from Tales from the Crypt. Our favorite, however, has been Emperor Palpatine of Star Wars. We matched up these wizened kindred spirits to see who might make the better Justice.

Work Experience

Emperor Palpatine: Senator of Naboo, Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, Emperor of the Galactic EmpireHarriet Miers: White House Counsel, Chairwoman of Texas Lottery Commission

Advantage: Palpatine!

Trained Under

EP: Sith Master Darth PlagueisHM: District Judge Joe E. Estes

Advantage: Palpatine!

Converted To

EP: The Dark SideHM: Evangelical Christianity

Advantage: Miers!

Judicial Philosophy

EP: Entirely unknown.HM: Entirely unkown.


Has Been Called…

EP: “The most powerful Sith Lord to have ever existed.”HM: “The office go-to girl for Advil and Nips.”

Advantage: Palpatine!


EP: Skin looks like pulled saltwater taffyHM: Needs Botox injections from a turkey baster.


Most Feared Enemy

EP: Jedi KnightsHM: George Will, blogosphere

Advantage: Miers!

Views on Life

EP: Believes that the powers of the Dark Side can be harnessed to bring the dead back to life.HM: Believes the every sperm is sacred; life begins at “second base.”

Advantage: Palpatine!

Views on Gays

EP: “Greedo and Eve, not Greedo an
d Steve.”HM: Filled out survey professing to support full equal rights for gays.

Advantage: Miers!

In Their Own Words

EP: “Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.”HM: “I like M&Ms, and I like sharing.” [actual quote]

Looks like Emperor Palpatine has it! And to be honest, Lawker thinks his nomination would actually have been far less reprehensible.

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