BY KATIE MAPES
As a law student, you probably can’t do math. But, despite this, you crave accuracy and precision. More importantly, you crave winners and losers. Fortunately, at least for the incoming 1L class, this year’s Orientation Scoreboard, your handy guide to what’s hot and what’s not, lets you determine exactly where you stand compared to your classmates.
“But aren’t you a law student too?” you may ask, “Why do you have such a brilliant facility with numbers?” Actually, I don’t. That’s why I made it all up.
Number of references to The Paperchase: 17. “This is not the Harvard of The Paperchase,” we were told by Dean Kagan and Professor Everyone, “No, really, we’re much nicer now. And we even installed separate shower stalls in the dorm bathrooms!” Unfortunately, this failed to address the question actually on every 1L’s mind: Is this the Harvard of Legally Blonde?
Percentage of 1L’s who believed the Dean: 15. While every member of the class of 2008 was given a copy of the movie by his mother, a good half have managed to avoid watching it, and thus were left confused. The remaining third is incurably paranoid.
Best freebie: USB drives emblazoned with the Harvard crest. As each orientation group opened their manila envelope, realization dawned across the room that if you’re going to be $120,000 in debt, you might as well be $120,000 in debt in style.
Most gratuitous freebie: Miniature bottles of water with an HLS label. While they’re conveniently hoardable, every 1L had one thought upon seeing them. “Wait, wouldn’t my tuition dollars better be spent on more expensive electronic equipment?”
Most non-existent freebie: Free drink coupons at a 1L event at Hong Kong ran out 15 minutes after the party started at 10PM. Apparently “fashionably late” is for MBAs.
Average number of minutes it took a 1L to read their first 15-page assignment: 87. “Alright, I’ve gone out drinking six nights running. It’s time to sit down and really focus. I have three different colors of highlighters and my laptop out, so I’m really ready to get to work. Ooh, have I checked ESPN.com yet today? No! Bad! Alright, Contracts. Here we go. ‘The error of the ‘tacit assumption’ underlying the across-the-board rule ….’ Hey, have you ever noticed how pretty this blue highlighter is? God, I really don’t belong here, do I?”
Sentence most often overheard after a couple of drinks: “So, umm, like, did you spend all summer trying to avoid telling people you were going to Harvard Law School too?”
Non-school related item most often spotted on a 1L’s shelf: The Lord of the Rings extended edition DVD box set. It’s just a rumor that only geeks go to law school, isn’t it?
Most anxiety producing class: Civil Procedure. “I heard there’s a secret outline that all the cool kids in your section already have.” “Whatever, if you don’t buy the Glannon you’ll fail out and have to rely on your anthropology degree to get a job.” “Oh please, that’s just a rumor. The professor will carve you up and eat you in his sandwich before it ever gets to that point.”
Company whose advertisements were most quickly proved fallacious: Cingular. Those of us without the foresight to research cell phone reception before we came can be heard walking up and down the hallways shouting “Can you hear me now? No? How about now? Oh God, don’t disconnect me again!”
Percentage of 1Ls from California: 14. The fact that approximately three quarters of the people you meet are from California is due to nothing more than a strange ripple in the space-time continuum.Best substitute for the Internet when your wireless connection crashes: The HLS Facebook. Not only does counting the 1Ls from California waste time like only surfing the Internet can, it’s also almost as useful to stalkers!
Katie Mapes, 1L, has never seen Lord of the Rings, much less bought the extended edition box set. That would just be geeky.