Lawker

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Fashion Week, Helen Keller Style

When someone compared you to David Tatel recently, it wasn’t a compliment. She meant that you dress like a blind person. As the non-fashion retarded of you might know, and we’re talking mainly to Angela Kim, Fashion Week was recently held in New York’s Bryant Park. Here in Cambridge, fashion week was more honored in the breach than the observance. For the culturally ignorant, we mean that you look like shit. “Et tu, Lawker,” you might say, and you’re kind of right. We held onto those ridiculous Adidas sandals long after it was socially acceptable. But we only did it because fresh air is good for our athlete’s foot. What’s your excuse for that absurd popped collar? On campus recently, we even spotted that elusive Moby Dick of fashion specimens, a male in capri pants. We attempted to spear him before he could do any more harm, but he sassed away too quickly. And while we’re at it: We know there’s a low standard for what’s considered jacked here at HLS, when Brian Johnson doesn’t so much walk around campus as hulk, but under no circumstances are you entitled to wear that sleeveless shirt. Last but not least: we’re putting out the warning early. If winter rolls around and we see that heinous Burberry pattern on any part of your body, expect to see your name in bold. Careful, Flugman.

Biggest Disaster to Hit Broadway Since Seussical the Musical

Here at Lawker, we talk out of our ass about 95% of the time. But you know what they say, even retards are right once a week. In that spirit, you may remember our Linda Blair / vomit wisecracks from last issue. Well, a reader informs us, we were more accurate than we knew:So this summer I worked at [redacted: high-powered / demonic / merciless New York law firm, on campus this past Monday and Tuesday for OCI]. They have this SEO intern program, where these 0Ls get to see what firm life is like. As other summers will recall, summer programs often include theater tickets to the kinds of plays they perform down at Gitmo as torture devices. So we’re at a pre-show dinner for Wicked, and one of the interns proceeds to get completely trashed. Barely able to get into the cab afterwards, he stumbles into the theater and sits down. The show begins. The kid leans forward and pukes…directly onto an old lady. Said lady screams; kid barfs again. Lady yells, “Stay right there!”; kid passes out. Everyone from the firm looks on in horror as the kid dribbles vomit on himself. The woman watched the rest of the show from the back of the auditorium. At intermission, someone gets this kid into a cab and sends him home. By 9 the next morning, everyone at the firm knew about the booting intern, causing the corporate hiring partner to yell to the head of recruiting, “What the fuck happened at Wicked last night???” Said intern is now a 1L here (HLS sure can pick ’em). While independent sources have confirmed these details, we hesitated to print this item. It wasn’t too long ago that we woke up to find dried, half-digested rotini on our pillow, so we can sympathize with this callow lush. But subsequent research has revealed that said 1L’s iTunes name is “Arv Diggity,” which we figured was reason enough to hold him up for public ridicule.

Come for the Free Booze, Stay for the Haftorah Portion

Last weekend Sara Brenner, our favorite hot, lesbian Harvard singer-songwriter (ok, she’s the only one we know), had a very belated Bat Mitzvah celebration at 29 Garden Street, Cambridge’s West Bank. With the party’s candle lighting ceremony, sign-in board, and party favors for those in attendance, planners Jessica Tuchinsky, Kim Ravener, and Blaire Malkin succeeded in throwing a no-expense-spared extravaganza Judaica that would make a thirteen-year-old princess from Syosset, Long Island weep like the time Daddy refused to bump the limit on her AmEx. While Lawker certainly enjoyed pickling ourselves with Manishevitz, we were slightly confused – ok, terrified – by the behavior of invitee James Doty, who spent half the night trying to smear chocolate frosting on people’s faces. James, we know you’re sexually frustrated, but save your wild Dirty Sanchez fantasies for the LAMBDA fall formal. All in all, Lawker, suffering from extreme Jews Cruise withdrawal, greatly appreciated this much-needed stopgap until the next JLSA ark sets sail.

1,000 Songs. Impossibly Atrocious

On the subject of iTunes, we’ve been looking through yours, and it isn’t pretty. Most of you undiscriminating fools are smart enough to keep your crap password protected. But some of you apparently want to share Crash Test Dummies’ entire oeuvre with those of us who actually have taste. Thanks, we’ll pass. We at Lawker would rather have Hilary Gould, Ashley Aull, Kelly Brown or Carson Stewart, who’ve shared their singing non-talents with us at Parody 2005 and HLS’ “Talent Show,” caterwaul directly into our ear canal. Here’s a tip: if your library contains Will Smith’s “Switch,” you might want to make your user ID something more generic than, say, your full fucking name. Some galling users even list their IM names, just in case you want to chat about your mutual love for the Cranberries (before they totally sold out with “Linger”). Now don’t get us wrong, we can countenance the random Britney Spears song – and by countenance we mean dance spastically in the privacy of our bedroom – but if we find out that any more of you have downloaded Coolio, we’re knocking on doors and checking playlists. And for you hipsters, Sufjan Stevens is the Coolio of 2005, so don’t be smug.

File Under: “You be sayin’ no no no no no, when it’s really yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah”

Dean Kagan (whose emails are simply delightful – you have an open invitation to guest write for us), tired of playing hard-to-get with the military recruiters, has decided to let them come all up in our business. Lawker is simply outraged at this flip-flop. Just the thought of Harvard’s campus being overrun with military recruiters – big, sweaty, cut-from-marble military recruiters…on second thought, did we say outraged? We meant ambivalent. But that doesn’t mean we’re not scoring the game of homo defenders vs. gaybashers, as tabulated by counting signatories to the HLS brief in the Solomon Amendment case. So far we have:

Team Sodomites: Alford (we don’t know either), Andrews, Barron, Bartholet, Clarke, Desan, Donahue, Fallon, Freeman, Frug, Gerken, Goodman, Guinier, Halerpin, Hay, Heymann, Kagan, the three Kennedys, Kraakman, Mack, Meltzer, Michelman, Minow, Mnookin, Rakoff, Sander, Shapiro, Singer, Steiker, Steiner, Subramanian, Tribe, E. Warren, Weiler, Weinreb, White, Wilkins, Wolfman. Count: 40 (Ok, so HLS added some losers to make the list more imposing, big deal.)

Team “Keep Your Anus Away from My Children”: Bebchuk, Brewer, Coates, Dershowitz, Elhague, Ferrell, Field, Fisher, Fried, Glendon, Goldsmith, Halley, Kaplow, Levinson, Miller, Mansfield, Nesson, Ogletree, Parker, Ramseyer, Roe, Rosenberg, Sargentich, Shavell, Shugerman, Stephenson, Stone, Stuntz, Unger, Viscusi, A. Warren, Westfall. Count: 32.

The gays have it! We’ll further note that the losing camp is predominantly filled with total oddballs (Glendon), animatrons (Kaplow, Bebchuk, Shavell), and complete jokes (Dershowitz, Sargentich), and the guy who wrote the book on phoning it in, (Unger).

Corrections

It has come to our attention that a grievous error was made in last week’s Lawker. It was misleading, it was hurtful, and it was wrong. The creature in Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract” video is not a wolf, as we suggested, but a cat who goes by the name MC Skat Kat. In addition, we reported that Mr. Kat takes two steps forward when, in fact, he takes two steps back. Apologies to Mr. Kat.

Got Goss?E-mail your tips to LawkerTips@yahoo.com. Snapple “Real Fact” #141: Sending gossip to Lawker improves your sex life 132%. All sources will be kept anonymous, so send us your dirt!

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