Make-your-own Record column

BY [YOUR HERE]

This week, as may or may not be apparent, there is a lack of content in the Record’s opinion section. Part of that is Jeremy Blachman’s fault, because he told a couple of the columnists that he thought this week would be an April Fools issue, and so they didn’t need to write a column. Oops. Part of that is because some of the columnists are still hung over from Spring Break camping out in front of the Vatican. Part of it is because none of the columnists wanted to come to the Record office this week because of its proximity to the big pile of manure that used to be the ice rink. Despite the rumors, the pile of manure is in fact related to the ice rink and not to the archives of past Record issues stored in the basement of Ames. We at the Record want to disclaim any responsibility for the pile of manure, and urge Dean Kagan to reconsider her plan to turn the ice rink into a compost heap for the summer.

In any case, due to the dearth of opinion content this week, the Record is pleased to provide this space, which you are encouraged to paste your own Record column directly on top of, since this one, unfortunately, isn’t much worth reading. The Record apologizes for that.

But, you know what? It’s partly your fault too. The Record can’t shoulder all of this burden alone. It’s hard to get motivated when the reader base fails to respond to the easiest of prompts. All semester, we’ve been asking for your opinion on a variety of issues, and yet no one writes. All semester, we’ve been devoting entire pages urging you to visit our website, where you can enjoy exactly the same content you read here, only in a harder-to-read format, and, still, no one visits. In our most recent issue, former Sudanese slave Francis Bok was referred to as Derek Bok, the former President of Harvard University, and only one reader wrote in. Lawker is giving away $5 if you just send an e-mail making up some lies about your friends, and, still, no one writes. We’ve published press releases as opinion columns, and no one cares. Yes, it’s partly our fault. But it’s also your responsibility as readers to care enough to tell us you didn’t appreciate the 72-point headline that said “Harkenss Commons,” or the photo caption labeling President George W. Bush “an unidentified observer at an event of some sort.”

Thus, we turn this space over to you this week, to use as you see fit. Place your own words on top of these words, just like Dean Kagan is placing manure on top of what used to be the ice rink. Replace this column with a column of your own, just like doctors replaced Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube with… wait, this isn’t going to end well. Ignore that. Regular content will return next week.

[Your name here] is a lovely human being.

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