Fenno column


I think Fenno is supposed to be anonymous, but if you need to know who I am, no problem. Just send me an email.

If you need to cut something b/c of space, I suggest the George Hicks bit, and then the LLM bit. I hope you can print it.


Fenno was sitting in Torts class. Dodge, uppercut, uppercut, uppercut, Damn the Banzai Attack, KO. Fenno could just not get past Piston Honda on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. “Oh well, maybe I should pay attention to Torts,” thought Fenno.Professor Sargentich was blathering on as usual, “The defenDANT was a superintenDANT who was negligent to his attenDANT.”Sargentich’s body odor was especially pungent today. You’d think with all his talk about BPL and reasonable persons, he would shower or change his clothes a little more often. Eliminating that smell couldn’t be that much of a burden on him and would certainly save his students sitting in the front row.Suddenly the smell wafted over Fenno like the smoke escaping under Logan Schiffs dorm room door. Fenno couldn’t take it anymore; he threw up all over Lauren Salvati who was sitting next to him. Fenno hadn’t meant to get drunk before class, but he had attended OPIA’s Living On LIPP and like every Harvard-sponsored event they served free beer. Poor Lauren. Fenno had ruined her clothes, and Fenno knew about her upcoming interview later that day. Lauren was going to tell Skadden they had to hire her as a 1L because “they didn’t want her working for the other side.” Guess the “other side” is looking a little more do-able now, you stupid, self-righteous whore.After that incident, Fenno decided to leave Torts early. Maybe he could concentrate and actually learn something in the library. As Fenno walked up the steps of Langdell he passed George Hicks and Rachel Gurvich. George had his arm around Rachel and Rachel was rubbing his abs. “Hey George, how’s it going?” But George averted his eyes and pretended he didn’t see Feeno, which Fenno thought was pretty strange. Fenno and George lived next door to each other in undergrad. And isn’t Rachel engaged to someone else? When Fenno got to the fourth floor of Langdell he spotted Dave Rodenberry, Jamie Bartholomew, Patrick Bumatay, Christy Gressman, Matt Smith, and Holly Gershow all studying at one of the long tables. Fenno thought “What cute couples they all make. Too bad all those guys are complete-“”Hey Fenno, come over here.” It was Justin Shanes. “You got to read this scene I’ve been working on for next year’s parody.”Fenno quickly skimmed through the scene. “Oh I get it, Bar Wars, it’s a parody of Star Wars. Darth Ruth Vader Ginsburg-that’s great. But who are Princess Leia-Me-Please Thompson and Obi-Juan-A-Drink Diaz based on?” “They’re friends of mine from high school. They’re at the U Penn Med School now.””Justin, isn’t the point of the parody to make fun of HLS students?””Ha with Jeremy Blachman and to a lesser extent Rebecca Ingber graduating, I’m going to have complete control over the script. It’s going to be an all Justin Shane and friends show!””Great, another parody full of inside jokes that no one understands. I’m gonna go study.” As Fenno made her way to the “KF1 Begins Here” table, she heard the faint sound of beating drums. Behind the bookshelves Fenno found a group of LLMs dressed in loincloths dancing around an open fire and chanting in a strange tongue-possibly German. Fenno pulled Ignacio Signes De Mesa out of the dance. “What the hell is going on here Ignacio?””Namita Wahi just got a firm job in New York. In my country, every time an international student takes an American job, we celebrate with a tribal dance. We’ll be roasting a goat in a little while.” Fenno stumbled off. “Damn furiners taking all our jobs. Maybe I can get some studying done in the rare books room. Nobody is ever there.”Fenno walked into the room where a camera and bright lights were set up. Professor Heather Gerken was lounging on a chaise wearing nothing but lingerie, pearls, and high heels and a sexy man with a non-American accent was taking her picture.”Hey Fenno, did you know that I was a clerk for Supreme Court Justice David Souter. And as a former clerk, I can tell you that there are nine Supreme Court justices. Did you know that?””Actually I did Professor Gerken. I think everybody at the law school knows that.””Oh, well here let me regale you with other stories from my time with the Court. Here’s one about Justice White.” Professor Gerken began flipping through a dog-eared copy of The Brethren.”No, no that’s okay Professor Gerken. I was really just wondering what’s going on with the photo shoot.””I’m getting my picture ready for the wall of tenured faculty in Pound.””That’s great! I didn’t know your tenure came through.””It hasn’t yet, but I’m so close I can taste it. So I thought I would go ahead and get the photo over with.””But do you really think lingerie is appropriate for your faculty picture?””If that bitch Christine Jolls thinks she’s going to have the hottest picture on that wall, she has got another think coming. They need me on that wall. That’s why I hired noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker to take my picture.” “That’s right Heather. You’re the most beautiful intellectual I’ve ever shot. Now give me fierce.”Fenno had had enough, maybe she could get some work done at Starbucks. Professor Gerken did look hot though-at least for a Harvard professor.

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