Fenno

BY

Fenno was on a mission.

Valentine’s Day had come and gone silently, and Spring Break was just under a month away. From there she had only a few short weeks before graduation to hook up with Harvard boys while she was still living in a veritable ocean of prospects. Problem was, the ocean was more like a fishbowl, and all the best fish were gay or married. Fenno needed to take action.

She walked up the ramp in the Hark to meet her friends Katie, Elaine, Tina, and Jessica for lunch. They were ostensibly going to discuss a human rights project on female genital mutilation, but Fenno had more important things on her mind. She needed a strategy, and she needed one fast. She decided to ask her girlfriends to brainstorm about the disaster that is the HLS dating scene.

But the girls really weren’t much help to Fenno when they started off by suggesting she just attend more HLCentral Bar Reviews, with an aim toward drinking more and wearing less. “You know, Fenno,” Tina offered, “What happens at the Hong Kong, stays at the Hong Kong.”

“That’s just the problem!” Fenno replied, “it stays there, and then every time you go back some asshole reminds you that the last time you spent a half an hour tonguing some Federalist over a scorpion bowl. I can’t go back to the Hong Kong. Please, tell me there’s something more out there than the g-damn Hong Kong.”

“What’s this about Federalists?” Jessica asked, intrigued. “Did you take advantage of the weekend festivities to indulge a little? Tell us everything! Did he wear a wig and make you call him Publius?”

Alas, Fenno thought to herself, the Federalist gents seemed only to have eyes for the Federalist blogwenches like Amber Taylor and Jenn Carter. Not that she was really all that disappointed. As dirty as she might have felt hooking up with a Federalist, pretending to be a Federalist to attract the attentions of a conference participant would have involved acting beyond even Fenno’s extensive faking capabilities.

The conversation then veered off topic as one of the girls told a story about Professor Tushnet’s fly being wide open the entire First Amendment class he’d been talking about NAMBLA incitement. Poor Professor Tushnet. Fenno pondered the fact that, of all the open-pantsed Professor tales she’d heard, none of them had involved a professor whose fly you might actually wish to see open. Like either of the Noahs, for example.”What are you thinking about, Fenno?” Tina asked, noticing the dreamy expression on Fenno’s face.

“The separation of church and state,” Fenno sighed. Upon catching the bizarre looks from across the table, she straightened up and took a swig of her diet raspberry Snapple iced tea. “Anyway…”

“You know, it’d be kinda cool to get with a guy on Law Review,” Katie mused.

“Exactly what part of that would be cool?” Fenno asked, perplexed. Sure, she thought, the Law Review people probably had the best chances of one day being famous judges or Senators, and there was some vague air of mystery surrounding Gannett, but Fenno was grossed out that Katie was mistaking arrogance and secrecy for sex appeal.

“What guy on Law Review would you even consider sleeping with?” Fenno inquired.

“Uh, who is George Hicks?” Elaine replied. The other girls nodded in approval, but Fenno was unconvinced. “Who else??” she demanded.

“Ummm.. that Dan Richenthal guy? He’s really smart.” Jessica offered. Fenno rolled her eyes. “He’s not on Law Review!”

“He’s not on Law Review?” Jessica seemed surprised. “Oh. I guess I just figured he was because I always hear him babbling about his Sears Prize. Sucks to be him, I guess. So close, and yet so far…”

“What about Hashim Mooppan?” Katie giggled, “I’d do him just to see if he could go the whole ten minutes without citing a case from Civ Pro.”

“Or shouting out ‘Luttig’,” Elaine cackled.

“Girls, GIRLS. Seriously. The situation is dire!” Fenno was exasperated. This school is more than half male, more than half straight, more than half single, and at least ten percent capable of normal social interaction, she thought. That it should be so difficult for eligible women like us to find anyone to hook up with is a travesty. It didn’t help matters that Antonio Delgado had been swept into monogamy months ago. What party boys were even left around for random debauchery? Brad Carrick? One man alone cannot carry the responsibility of an entire school of neglected women. Not even Brad.

“THINK!” she pleaded to the table. “For REAL!”

The group fell silent as they looked around the lunchroom for ideas. Suddenly, Fenno saw just the thing. “Ladies,” she said, “I have three words for you: Edmond. Rhys. Jones. Don’t all turn around at -“But it was too late. The girls had immediately swiveled in the direction Fenno had been drooling and saw the darling of the LL.M. class walk by with his equally hot sidekick, Elliot Friedman.

“Now you’re talking, Fenno,” Tina said, “There are a couple of LL.MILFs if I’ve ever seen any.”

“Yeah, those two have revolutionized my image of LL.M.s,” Katie said, “Really, when you think about it, Commonwealth LL.M.s are ideal. They’re only here for a year, they have gorgeous accents, and you might be able to trick them into marrying you for citizenship.”

Great plan, Fenno thought. If only she’d laid the groundwork last fall maybe she would’ve had a shot. Now it seemed her only chance was to try to take advantage of graduation festivities and hope for a little farewell celebration. The table broke up without really resolving anything, and Fenno headed off to class.

As she walked back through the Hark, Fenno was skeptical. She’d been here three years, after all, and nothing had come of it but a few drunken flings and one two-month dating debacle. Maybe it’s the women who are the problem, Fenno thought. Maybe we’re being unfair blaming this all on the male half of the equation. Maybe…

Just then, Ashley Waters walked by with Monica Singh and Lisa Coyle. As they passed Yoni Rosenzweig he swung his head around to ogle their loveliness and ran directly into the Parody table, spilling tickets and seating charts all over the floor.

“Watch where you’re going, jackass!” yelled the normally sunny Julie Black, shaking her fist at him.

Fenno nodded knowingly. No, the women are definitely not the problem. If we really want to find love at this law school, she thought, we’re about as fucked as a female chemistry professors trying to get tenure from Summers. Maybe the odds would be better for Fenno when she started working this fall at the firm in the city. It couldn’t get worse, could it? Fenno didn’t want to think about that too much.

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