BY JEREMY BLACHMAN
THERE’S AN ISSUE OF THE Harvard Law Bulletin in the Hark that I just got around to reading. It’s got a bizarre drawing on the cover of a woman wearing headphones connected to an IPod she’s holding in one hand, and in the other hand she has a laptop computer – with a cord attached. The drawing makes it look like she’s moving. But how far can she get if the laptop has a cord attached? Did they need to include the cord so that people would be sure it’s a laptop and not an ugly black purse? Maybe they just could have written “Dell” on it and it would have been clear without the cord.
In any case, the second half of the magazine contains “Class Notes,” like probably all alumni magazines do, with brief paragraphs about what graduates are doing now, based on the information people sent in. I notice a lot of alumni are lawyers who just made partner. And many have written books. Some have recently gotten married or had children. A handful just got elected chairman of something. I suppose the ones doing other things don’t bother to write in.
1952. “I just had a mole removed from the side of my face,” writes C. William Watson. “It was about four millimeters in diameter, and had become somewhat infected. My doctor felt concerned that it might be cancerous. It turns out it wasn’t, but I’m still glad to be rid of it. I’m recovering well at home in Fort Lauderdale. My cat recently died. I forgot to pay my cable bill last month. I need new dentures.”
1965. Harold Boggs, having run through his retirement savings, has gone back to work as a crane operator for a local construction company.
1968. The Rhode Island Bar Association has recently disciplined Judge Thomas W. Pengrove of the Family Court for taking a bribe in a divorce action. Judge Pengrove granted custody of three children to their father, who suffers from an addiction to Starbucks double-shot beverages, in exchange for coupons for fourteen free pizza pies from the local Domino’s franchise. The terms of the Bar Association’s punishment have not been disclosed.
1972. Harold F. Rudson, Jr. recently tried to kill himself, but failed.
1973. “I had the good fortune to meet up with some of my classmates at a recent anger management class I’ve been forced to take due to an unfortunate incident last year,” writes G. Michael Sunderberg. “Richard LeMardigras is doing well despite his incarceration, Franklin Donaldson has recently settled in a new neighborhood after being forced to move due to his inclusion on a local list of sex offenders, Arnold Blusterberg is almost finished paying back the government, and good ol’ Tad Smith is no longer under house arrest.”
1978. Harvey L. Sanderson was just elected to the board of his local homeowners association, where he will proceed to force everyone to paint their homes the same shade of eggshell, remove their curtains, and pay an exorbitant amount in monthly dues.
1980. Burt Cooper has been having trouble seeing lately. He’s worried it might be time for bifocals. His children are pushing him to give up the car keys until he sees a doctor.
1983. The newest member of the “Don’t Accept Checks From These People” list at the local grocery store is Janet V. Wilson, who overdrew her account last Wednesday.
1988. “I have just realized I should have gone to medical school instead of law school,” writes Benjamin L. Underwood. “But luckily I only have fifteen or twenty more years until I can retire. I should also probably tell my wife I don’t love her anymore, but I don’t have the heart.”
1991. W. Arthur Jackson was recently deposed as chairman of the American Estate Planning Association after a bitter defeat in the organization’s 2004 elections. He is inconsolable, and will spend at least two weeks on the couch watching daytime television and eating Ring Dings.
1994. Kevin D. Andrews was nominated as associate justice of the South Carolina Land Court. During his confirmation hearings, it was discovered he killed a young woman just last month and buried her on the side of the road. He begins his new post in early October.
1998. Sarah Balderson can’t believe she’s still paying back her loans.
2001. “I didn’t make the billable hours requirement at my firm,” writes Steve Petrovich, “so I didn’t get a bonus. It’s also been pretty embarrassing to walk down the hall lately after my defeat in the firm’s intramural dodgeball championship where I accidentally pegged my own teammate with the ball to make the final kill for the opposition.”
2003. “I want to have children,” writes Margaret Yancy, “but first I need to find a husband.”
2004. James P. Rogers just found out he failed the bar.
Jeremy Blachman is a 3L. You can read more of his writing daily at http://jeremyblachman.blogspot.com