If that column was too serious …

BY JEREMY BLACHMAN

“THANKS FOR COMING TO Wexis training, even though your firm is forcing you. I’m a relentlessly happy woman whose biggest joy comes in the pleasure on students’ faces when I give them free Wexis points that they can redeem for booze and hookers. You, checking your e-mail, here’s 100 points just for smiling. Thanks.”

“As a reward for attending this Wexis training session, you have your choice of a Wexis t-shirt, coffee mug, set of pillowcases, money clip, or pet sterilization device. Please indicate your choice by logging into your account, clicking on the bright green button, scrolling down to the row labeled “Wexis is God. God is Wexis,” and selecting your choice. While you ponder the options, I will be passing around a brochure, entitled, “Decoding the Wexis pricing plan in such a way that your firm thinks you’re really efficient but Wexis gets to buy another island in the Caribbean.”

I can see with my magic Wexis x-ray glasses that you’ve all selected your choice. Here’s twenty more points for each of you. They’re like crack. Now I’d like you all to click on preferences, and repeat after me: “I prefer Wexis. I prefer Wexis.”

We’re going to start the search by clicking on “Find Some Crap,” which is the red button fourteenth from the left. Clicking on this button will cost your firm $87.50. Click twenty-one times. Now. Great. You, with your pants around your ankles, here’s a hundred Wexis points just because I think you’re neat. Thanks.

You can use “Search Destroyer” to add irrelevant terms to your search query and bring back fewer results for you to wade through in search of the applicable law. Also try “Restrict at Random” to get a sampling of cases which may or may not be useful. Clicking on “Can’t Focus” will make the screen wobble back and forth, simulating how you would feel if you were me, conducting hundreds of legal searches each day, and receiving a salary entirely in Wexis points.

Clicking on “Key Search” will let you find the narrow area of the law that your topic may fall into, by 32-digit code number. Clicking on “Key Lime” will make a pie come out of your speakers. Clicking on “Key West” will enter you in the Wexis “Trip to Florida” contest.

Clicking on “Live Support” will put you in touch with a Wexis representative, who is available for free research consultations, or, at a cost of $4.95/minute, massage with release. She will also have the code for the secret Lexis porn database, searchable by keyword, gender, or illegality by jurisdiction.

Finally, click on “History” to read the inspiring story of a legal researcher who woke up one morning and decided to start making monopoly profits by putting every published opinion on the Internet and charging obscene amounts for access. You can print his story for later enjoyment, at the standard rate of $3/line.

I’m glad to have had the chance to talk to you today about Wexis, the greatest thing ever. Enjoy your summers!”

Jeremy Blachman’s column appears weekly. he also posts commentary here.

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