BY JEREMY BLACHMAN
There was no Adviser last week. That didn’t seem fair.
I. ADMINISTRATIVE ANNOUNCEMENTS.
Academic Calendar Available
A limited number of autographed copies of the 2006-07 Academic Calendar, just released this week by the Registrar to great fanfare, are available for a modest $10 processing fee.
II. BAR INFORMATION
Bar-Bri: Sign Up Now before fees once again rise
Don’t miss your fourth-to-last opportunity to lock in the special non-discounted rate and join Bar-Bri in celebrating its latest achievement, 90%. That’s right, 90% of all Bar-Bri students pay $2500 to sit in a room and watch videotapes for six hours a day instead of having a live lecturer.
III. CAREER SERVICES
2008 Judicial Clerkship Season Is Here
… and now it’s gone. Sorry.
No Job? Oh Wow That Sucks
If the on-campus interviewing process has failed to provide you with any job offers, well, sucks to be you, we’ve done our job so there.
IV. CLINICAL PROGRAM
Add/Drop Deadline for all clinical courses
The add/drop deadline was yesterday. Sorry for the late notice.
The Franklin Award
Alumnus Richard Franklin, class of 1913, is offering a $1000 cash prize to the student who writes the most comprehensive paper on the topic of shielding your assets from the young trophy wife who’s great in bed but you’re afraid is only after you for your money.
VI. COURSE ANNOUNCEMENTS
Advanced Issues in Personal Jurisdiction
This course is still open.
VII. FINANCIAL AID
Like the last fifty-two weeks, there is no information in this section. Just thought we’d put it here to get your hopes up. Sorry.
VIII. GENERAL INTEREST
Concerned about that strange discharge?
Stay away from Jocelyn West, 1L. She’s already got crabs and doesn’t need anything else.
Drop-In Times for “Ask The Proctologist”
The University’s proctologist-on-call will be available for in-person consults on Wednesday in the same place they make the cafeteria food, where he will use cafeteria utensils to conduct examinations, and then, without washing them, put them back in the drawers.
IX. INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY SERVICES
Flu Shots …
… are for people, but computers feel left out. That’s why we’re giving out Virus Shots to PCs on Wednesday afternoon, at no charge. Like a flu shot, a Virus Shot is a small amount of a deadly virus that we’ll inject into your hard drive, in the hopes that your computer’s natural antibodies will fight off the infection. This event is being sponsored by the Committee For Idiotic Ideas and the University Above-Market Laptop Sale.
Professor Johnson seeks a “research assistant”
Professor Johnson has a “research project” that involves long hours of “work,” mostly late at night when his wife is away. Assistant must be “patient” (Professor Johnson is old).
For the fifth consecutive week, we must remind you that jelly is not allowed in the library. It makes the books sticky. Please confine your jelly use to the cafeteria.
XII. LOST & FOUND
In the hallway outside career services. If found, throw it out, I don’t need it anymore.
Found: 400-page outline
And I’m not giving it back. Ha ha ha.
XIII. PUBLIC INTEREST
Due to budgetary constraints on the number of letters we could afford for the door, the Office of Public Interest Advising has been renamed “Bob.”
New Speaker Announcement
We have purchased a new speaker. It is gray, four feet tall, and will be placed on the left side of the podium in Pound 402. Information is available from the Speakers Office.
Harold Van Goblinbaker
The esteemed circuit court judge will be speaking about the role of judges in the coming war against the aliens tomorrow at 3:00 in the Center for Transnational Studies.
Too cold. Not here. Should have gone to UVA.
Professors will be wrestling each other for tenure on Jarvis Field on Monday at 2:00.
XVI. STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS
Introductory meeting either tomorrow at 3 AM on the roof, if we feel up to it, or six months from now after we drag ourselves to the clinic and finally get some Prozac.
Affirmative Action Club Accepting Applications
Limited slots available.
Michael Jackson Fan Club
Prayer vigil Sunday at 8:00. Children welcome.
XVII. WESTLAW NEWS
Earn 1,000 Points
Just look up the word “The” and make a list of every case it appears in, and you will be entered in a drawing for 1,000 Westlaw points.
This is the last issue of The Record for a while. If you’d like to be added to an e-mail list and receive this column weekly when there’s no newspaper, e-mail email@example.com with the subject line “you should be studying for finals.”
Jeremy Blachman’s column appears weekly. He also posts commentary here.