The Matrix: What’s the Revolution?

BY AMANDA GREGORY

Wednesday, November 5, 2003

4:10p.m. – Send psychic message to Josh Pheterson to hurry up and win his poker tournament and take all the chips away from the annoying sexist guy from New Jersey so that we can catch the 4:30 bus out of Foxwoods. Matrix Revolutions opened today. I get to see it at 9:00p.m. Wheeee!

4:30p.m. – Catch bus to Boston. Just four and a half hours until Matrix Revolutions. Wheeee!

6:45p.m. – Arrive in Boston. Just two hours and fifteen minutes until Matrix Revolutions. Wheeee!

8:00p.m. – Arrive at Loews Boston Common.

8:30p.m. – Get Milk Duds, popcorn and a Sprite.

8:35p.m. – Biggest plot twist of Matrix Revolutions occurs before Keanu Reeves appears on screen. Prior to the previews and the opening credits, a “Movie Fact” sponsored by Coca-Cola reveals that Ashton Kutcher was a biochemical engineering major prior to becoming Hollywood’s latest “It Boy.” Despite six months of speculation since Matrix Reloaded, this is the something that I definitely did not see coming. My mind is so boggled by that “Movie Fact,” that I will probably be unable to make sense of the movie when it starts. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.

8:37p.m. – Veronica Lei informs me that Lynn Lee is not coming. Instead, Lynn has given her ticket to Kirsten Malm, who we should be saving a seat for.

8:38p.m. – Remember that Lynn conned me into agreeing to write a review of the movie for The Record. Curse Lynn.

8:40p.m. – Desperately try to keep Brett Harvey, who has visited every spoiler site on the internet and apparently already read the entire script for Matrix Revolutions, from telling me exactly what happens in the movie.

8:45p.m. – Ask Veronica how she thinks Neo was able to stop the sentinels at the end of Matrix Reloaded.

8:46p.m. – Repeatedly hit Brett when he tries to answer the question I just asked Veronica.

8:47p.m. – Shoo stranger away from the seat being saved for Kirsten Malm. Assess the situation. The theatre is full and seats are few. Moviegoers are circling Kirsten’s seat like sharks eyeing a bloody carcass.

8:59p.m. – Conclude that Kirsten is not coming. Finally offer Kirsten’s seat to someone who has been relegated to sitting on the stairs by the aisle. Decide that some people in the theatre must have snuck in without purchasing tickets. Hello! It’s called stealing!

9:50p.m. – After fifty minutes of previews, the movie begins.

9:51p.m. – Wheee! Movie begins right where Matrix Reloaded left off. Now I will understand how Neo was able to stop the sentinels.

10:30p.m. – Still do not understand how Neo stopped the sentinels.

10:31p.m. – Ask Veronica how Neo stopped the sentinels. She does not know. Brett shushes me.

10:37p.m. – Awesome fight scene!

10:45p.m. Realize that residents of Zion are getting more annoying with each passing second. Do not care about these peripheral characters. Especially do not care about random teenager that the Wachowski brothers desperately want me to care about.

10:50p.m. – Try to ignore the fact that all of the wonderful subtext from Matrix is rapidly becoming text.

10:59p.m. – Totally awesome fight scene!

11:20p.m. – Still do not understand how Neo stopped the sentinels.

11:34p.m. – Try to ignore the religious symbolism.

11:50p.m. – Wish the random teenager in Zion would just die already.

11:54p.m. – Ouch! Am hit over the head repeatedly with religious symbolism. Try to determine whether Neo is the Father or the Son or both.

12:03a.m. – Have started rooting for machines to kill all Zionites. Machines are obviously more competent and don’t spend as much time being annoying. The only problem is the resemblance that the machines bear to a swarm of scary bugs. My sympathies are almost swayed back to the Zionites. But not quite.

12:21a.m. – Seriously, how did Neo stop the sentinels? Maybe Neo is the Father.

12:43a.m. – Truly spectacular fight scene!! I Mr. Smith!

12:50a.m. – No doubt about it. Neo is the Son.

1:10a.m. – Movie ends. Huh? That’s it? What happened? Veronica asks, “What happened to individuals plugged into the Matrix?” I ask, “Or for that matter, what happened?” Veronica chuckles. I repeat, “No, seriously, what happened?” Brett starts talking about Daoism.

1:13a.m. – Go to the ticket counter and ask if it would be possible to get back my $8.25. They refuse. Ask if it would be possible to get back the last five hours of my life. They refuse. Ask them if they can explain what happened in the movie. They are clueless.

1:20a.m. – Veronica asks, “Aren’t you supposed to write a movie review for this?” I nod. She asks, “What are you going to do?” I shrug. No idea.

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