The Verdict

BY

IN RE MANRAY, 117 REC. 7 (2003)

Chief Justice PETTINATO announced the judgment of the Court and delivered an opinion of the Court which Justice DICK joined.

I. “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a straight woman hanging out at a gay bar must be in want of a date.” From The Chief Justice’s latest novella, The Unbearable Lightness of Being Straight.

II. The facts of this case are not in dispute. ManRay Nightclub is located at 21 Brookline in the heart of Central Square. After shopping for three hours to find the perfect outfit (half of us succeeded), the members of this Court decided to end their nights of loneliness by partying in Central Square. Fate, along with several wrong turns, took us to ManRay. This Court now decides the difficult question of whether ManRay is worthy of a student’s limited time and money.

III. A trip to ManRay on a Saturday night is the only economically efficient option for a gay/straight friendship. Rather than paying multiple cover charges at several different clubs, ManRay provides an incentive for gay/straight couples to pay only one cover, thus freeing up money to use for alcohol, an essential provision for entering into possible contracts with other patrons. This court follows the revered Lochner era and insists that freedom of contract not be infringed upon in the form of multiple cover charges. It must always be remembered that “Clubbing rights serve human values.” (See The Economic Analysis of Alcohol, Pettinato L. Rev. 2003)

IV. Furthermore, we hold that ManRay’s Saturday night gay/straight alliance greatly reduces transaction costs. Rather than fighting for six hours over whether to go to Club Café or Pravda before finally settling on doing shots of rum while watching “Fifth Wheel” and weeping uncontrollably, gays and straights can now decide fairly quickly where they will go on a Saturday night. Additionally, the mixing of sexual preferences allows gay/straight friends of opposite sexes to serve as “wing-people,” thus maximizing the possible wealth either one might earn alone while reducing the risk of “hold-outs,” in the form of friends who wait to see if you get rejected before attempting to hit on the same person. This is a classic example of growing the pie.

V. Let the call go forth from this time and place that a new era of integration is beginning. Historians will look back on this date and this decision to mark the time when all alcohol- and sex-driven students flocked to ManRay together, regardless of whether Jim desires John or Jane or whether Jane will choose John or Jill or even whether Jack can remember the name of the guy he danced with and gave his number to. Students will arrive as one, and, depending on how many are rejected throughout the night, those left will leave as one. Such is the spirit of inclusiveness.

VI. The Court finds that ManRay is worthy of a student’s limited time and money.

It is so ordered.

Justice DICK concurring.

I. I join the judgment and opinion of the Court, but write separately to clarify one point. Whereas I recognize the obvious benefits that flow from integrating heterosexuals and homosexuals in one dance club, I worry that we are plummeting down a slippery slope of too much inclusion. There is still a need to segregate the hideous from the gorgeous at any club. I had hoped the majority would have clarified whether this decision will keep ManRay from designating one dance area the “over 30 years old” or “a 7 and under on Clinton’s scale of attractiveness.” Otherwise, I fear we may be throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Justice TORRES dissenting.

I. My colleagues reach too far in their decision today. While inclusion is indeed a laudable goal, it should not be a singular end onto itself. In addition, both my colleagues were the recipients of flirtatious interactions by other patrons of ManRay. I fear this has irrevocably clouded their judgment as well as their ability to remain judicially impartial.

II. In order to avoid the pull of such biases, I decided to conduct a scientific experiment in order to best anticipate how the evening should turn out. To this end, I loaded up a copy of the erstwhile classic, “The Sims,” the best-selling computer game of all time as well as a widely respected dating simulator. Loading up my character, “Super Fly Torres,” I proceeded downtown in the game in order to get my character’s groove on.

III. Encountering several lovely ladies, my character proceeded to chat it up with one of them. The more he talked, the higher his “friendship” rating went up, resulting at last in a kiss from the lady in question. More talking resulted in greater friendship as well as more kisses. After six hours of this, I bid the electronic lady goodnight, who concluded the evening by saying I should call her. Satisfied as to what to expect from my outing to the oddly named ManRay, I turned the computer off and prepared for the evening ahead.

IV. The evening, alas, failed to live up to the expectations set up by my little experiment. To begin with, there were not many lovely ladies strolling about waiting for someone to come up to them. In fact, there were no good looking people at ManRay. Still, I decided to continue and see if perhaps the rest of the evening might proceed as forecasted. Clicking on a nearby woman, I proceeded to talk to her. I continued to talk and talk and talk, as I had done in the Sims, in order to get our friendship rating up. I even cycled through different conversation topics as the game had taught me, such as “Where do you work?” “I like ballet,” and “Can I get a hug?” Instead of keeping up the conversation, the woman kept looking at her watch before asking me if I would buy her a drink. Unsure of what to do, since Sims never ask for drinks, I decided to improvise and headed off to buy that drink.

There was no one waiting for me when I returned.

Oh, cruel world, that fails to live up to its own expectations!!!

V. Ahem. The evening proceeded rather uneventfully until the end, when, searching for my colleagues, I found them bidding good night to less than average looking people. Although my colleagues talk grandly today of efficiency, I do not believe it efficient to lead on unattractive people. The transaction costs of drinking enough alcohol to get into such a position and then extricating oneself from such a situation while sober are high indeed.

For these reasons, I dissent.

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