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Dear Amanda,

I don’t think it is an understatement to say that Law School is not the place to find that special someone, at least not for me. Many of my friends share the same belief. I also hate going out to clubs and bars because it seems only certain types of guys, i.e. one night hook ups, frequent these establishments. I’ve thought about using internet dating, but it seems too pathetic and I worry about the same typical guys on these sites. Am I missing something or am I destined to be alone my last year of Law School?

Sincerely,Stumped

Dear Stumped,

Given the fact that it took me about fifteen minutes of reading over your letter to verify that I had not in fact written it myself, I might not be the best person for you to get advice from on this particular matter. It’s kind of like the time a couple of weeks ago when I was arrogant enough to try to teach my friend, Veronica, how to serve a tennis ball. What I mean is, it’s like a really bad tennis player who doesn’t know how to serve giving serving lessons to another really bad tennis player who doesn’t know how to serve. Or to be less obtuse, it’s like the blind leading the blind. But I will do my best.

Why don’t you think you can find love at the Law School? There’s a pool of over 1500 highly successful people to choose from and the gender percentages are in your favor. Granted, a considerable portion might be knocked out of your pool because they’re married or freakishly religious or – in the case of the really good-looking ones – gay. But in my two and half years here, I have seen both of at least the first two “obstacles” overcome.

So what’s wrong with the guys at Harvard Law School? Do you think that most are self-important, self-aggrandizing and various other self-prefaced adjectives? I mean, that’s completely true, but they’re not that bad. Sure, sometimes they tell you that they are going to carve a couple dozen pumpkins for your Halloween party, and then end up not delivering even one. And occasionally, even guys as stellar as Useful Roommate may decide that the best course of action in dealing with dirty dishes is to make a neat pile of them on the living room coffee table rather than going the extra mile of taking them into the kitchen. And in giving compliments, more than one has been heard describing a girl in a manner not dissimilar to how one would describe a particularly bad piece of abstract art or a child with a severe learning disability (e.g. “She’s special. And interesting.”). And it’s not entirely untrue that even the best amongst them, even those who seem like fine upstanding young Federalists, have been known to make prank calls at 2 o’clock in the morning during a particularly rowdy night with the Ames team. And they’re frequently neurotic and consistently say the wrong thing and, well … I guess you’re right. For the most part, guys here do suck and the women outclass them on every level.

Fortunately for you, I know a lot of people outside of the Law School and love setting people up, so emailing me with specifications may be your best bet. You need to utilize your human resources. Each of your friends should have at least two local, non-law school friends. If they don’t, your friends are losers, and you should ditch them. If they do, they should be responsible for using their non-law school network to find potential suitors for you. Make it a prerequisite for your friendship.

Internet dating does sound rather pathetic, and if you do it, you’re going to have to find someone who will be willing to lie about how you met. But I have heard success stories. One of my friends from high school ended up marrying someone he met online and one of my best friends here dated a girl that he met on match.com for two years. If you’re squeamish, you could try an internet site that isn’t all about dating. Friendster is great. Just make sure you add Anjan early on so that you’ll automatically have 100,000 people in your Friendster network. Plus, Friendster has this cool ego-boosting feature where your friends are required to pen sappy panegyrics for you. Make sure to write one for me when you sign up.

Other options include venturing past the Law School to meet people. Bars and clubs aren’t the only options. College alumni events are a good idea, unless you went to an Ivy League college where all the alumni are likely to have the same problems as the men of Harvard Law. If you went to one of these fake colleges, you should skip your own alumni events and start attending USC alumni events. The guys there are really hot and relatively normal.

If this doesn’t give you hope, then don’t despair entirely. If you’re a 1L or a 2L, then you just have to learn to use your summers like a squirrel storing up nuts and berries for a long sexless winter in New England. If you’re a 3L, then buck up – the end is in sight.

Yours,

Amanda

Got problems? Amanda has solutions, and she’d love to share them in a public forum. E-mail here.

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