RECORD gets a scoop, Crimson stunned


In an unusual turn of events last week, the RECORD reported a story that readers said was “actually news.”

“I’m speechless,” said Julia Tomassetti. “Well, actually I’m not, but still … Usually I use the RECORD to wipe my feet, but when I saw that front page — my cranium was eviscerated.”

According to former RECORD Executive Editor Mike Wiser, the RECORD prides itself on “reporting” stories that are either weeks old or, at the very least, those that have already widely circulated in the campus gossip mill.

“What can I say?” Wiser said. “It makes our lives easier to just rehash stuff that everyone already knows about. We call ourselves a ‘newspaper’ just to unnecessarily raise people’s expectations.”

He added: “The way I figure it, the fewer people who read the paper, the fewer people who will notice when we screw up.”

Last week’s issue, which featured a front-page article that gave readers new information about events around campus, was widely regarded as a breakthrough.

Sources from various area publications expressed shock.

“Where the hell were we?” said Harvard Crimson President Matt McGinnis. “My mind is still reeling.”

He continued: “To be scooped by the RECORD, well, that’s just plain embarrassing. I promise you — heads will roll.”

Although the “scoop” was applauded by most, several students said that they were unhappy with the RECORD’s changing status.

“If they make this a habit, I might have to actually read it,” said 3L Dan Geyser.

The fact that the RECORD managed to report and write about a news story, one student said, does not bode well for the future.

“Sure, it seems like a good thing now,” 2L Faisal Chaundry said. “But think about what happens if the RECORD manages to get other news stories! If they find enough content, I won’t be able to fill up the paper’s pages every week with my 2500-word opinion pieces about the Israel-Palestine conflict.”

The RECORD’s new editor, Jonas Blank, said students like Chaundry have no reason to worry.

“Look, man, we run a newspaper at a school that’s about the size of your average high school,” Blank said. “It’s not like a whole lot happens around here other than cheap gossip and binge drinking.

“We’ve done all we can to exploit those events, but, frankly, I’m feeling dirty,” he said, cringing. “I plan everything I can to keep expectations low.”

Prof. Terry Fisher, who uses the RECORD in his Intellectual Property class, said he was afraid the RECORD might turn into “a real newspaper.”

“If that happens, I’ll have to find new materials to use to teach my students about copyright infringement,” he said.

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