BY JONAS BLANK
Realizing that Hark parties generally suck, the Student Activities Council decided to abandon all pretenses of decency and throw the “Guaranteed Hookups” party, which all students agree was a rousing success.
“Usually when I party outside Manhattan, I’m hittin’ it with my outsourced stable,” said 3L Shawn McDonald. “But I have to admit, the Guaranteed Hookups bash was on point. There were supermodels from New York and L.A.! Of course, that’s because I invited them through my ‘connections,’ but still, it was the phattest HLS bash I’ve ever seen. And I guarantee you — I saw more ass that night than a butcher cutting rump steak!”
Even students from this planet approved.
“I think I hooked up with Tara Reid,” said 3L Wes Warren. “Or maybe it was that little Puerto Rican girl. I don’t know.”
Asked for comment on exactly how the party was able to “guarantee” hookups, one source said ecstasy might have been provided at the door “to get these law students to relax a little.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, almost every student interviewed said the party lived up to its billing, except one: “I hit on every single girl at that party!” said 1L Ekong Udoekwere, “but, somehow, everyone noticed that my girlfriend was there!”
Few questioned the obvious moral quandary posed by a party that uses large quantities of intoxicating substances to help desperate law students procure sexual favors from one another.
“Umm, hello?” said 2L Dan Kozusko. “That’s why the Inn has existed for almost 100 years!”
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