Federalist society admits ‘War of Northern Aggression is over’


“Dad-nabbit!” said 3L J.R. Parker in between drags of his cigarillo. “I’ve finally decided to stop fighting it. They didn’t fight fair, but they beat us anyhow, and it’s time we Federalists moved on.”

Parker was referring to the organization’s recent decision to drop its protest of the use of the term “United States” in various HLS classes, which members said reflected an unreasonable bias toward what they deemed “Yankee-Pinko” interests. After a series of what they called “nail in the coffin-type defeats” this year, the organization decided its goals could be better served elsewhere.

“First they took down the Confederate flag,” said 2L Brian Hooper. “Those goddamn Yankee communist bastards — oh, and Clinton — finally got the best of us. We might as well save our energy and try to at least keep tobacco legal.”

The Society announced its decision in the Journal of Law and Public Policy, a closely affiliated publication edited by 3L Chris Posteraro.

“We decided to make all the pages black with white text to reflect how sad we are about this decision,” Posteraro said. “Also, we thought it might make our rag look a little more like that Randall Kennedy book.”

Now that it has abandoned its main goal, Parker said the organization will be able to branch into a wide range of areas, including having more major landmarks in the Washington, D.C. area named after former President Ronald Reagan.

Some HLS leaders expressed reservations about the Federalists’ move.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Lambda president Lindsay Harrison, “I and all other rational people were aware that the South lost over a hundred years ago. But now that those wackos don’t have that useless drum to beat, who knows what they’ll do?”

Right now, the Society has its sights set on one very simple goal:

“Bush-Cheney 2004,” said Parker with a gleam in his eye. “The tax cut was only the beginning ….”

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