The Law School was shocked Monday to learn that Harvard Professor Arthur Miller had died at NYU Law School, 50 minutes into a lecture on res judicata. Authorities insist that foul play was involved.
An autopsy report revealed arsenic in Professor Miller’s bloodstream, and investigators began investigating. The NYPD began a quest to question all of Miller’s ex-wives but eventually retooled the investigation citing limited resources.
The spotlight eventually moved to Miller’s Harvard assistant, Steve, who insisted that “Miller got exactly what he deserved.”
Steve, who ironically has extensive knowledge of all of the major bodies of law except employment law, claims that he didn’t shed a tear.
“One man can only take so much abuse,” Steve said. “Nonetheless, I’m innocent.”
The culprit? Apparently, Miller’s new NYU assistant, Emily Aidet, not yet accustomed to the humiliation of bringing Miller coffee exactly half-way into each of his Civil Procedure lectures, may be responsible.
A source at the NYPD who wished to remain anonymous said that in reaction to the abuse, the assistant spiked the professor’s steaming Sumatra with arsenic.
In an exclusive interview with the RECORD, Aidet agreed to talk despite the objections of her defense attorney, Alan Dershowitz, who insisted that any interview with Aidet would necessarily divert media attention from him.
Asked why she did it, Aidet began to weep.
“It started on the first day when Professor Miller walked into the office and shouted at the top of his lungs, ‘It’s Miller Time,’ then slammed the door without even making eye contact,” said Aidet.
“I thought I could handle the screaming, the put-downs, the spittle on my nose and cheeks — I thought I could handle it all until the day that I brought the coffee five minutes late. That’s when he insisted that if I made one more mistake he’d make sure that I’d never work in ‘the business’ [index and middle fingers extended] again and nastily evoked the name of the temp agency I worked for 10 years ago. My darkest secret. How could he know?”
Dershowitz hovered, murmuring, “Villages, reprisal … Simpson, innocent …,” in an attempt to undermine the interview and grab a headline.
Aidet maintains that she and Dershowitz will pursue an insanity defense.
“Steve will be our star witness. We also plan to show the jury Miller’s cable show, The Justice Files, from TLC [The Learning Channel],” said Aidet.
Dean Robert Clark responded to the news of the Miller homicide, admitting that he had probably let the revered professor get away with his antics for one too many years.
“If that assistant hadn’t gone ape-shit, one of those bitter, four-class-taking former-1Ls would have strung him up by his toenails,” said Clark.