Sportsguy

BY IAN HUMMEL

Week Four of the flag football season has come and gone, but the memories will last a lifetime. I wasn’t alerted of a “Game of the Week” this time around, so I’m going to start with the week’s closest game: the JLPP Patriots (0-5) and the Fightin’ Greg Lippers (2-3). Both teams flouted convention by starting just five players per side, a radical strategy they hoped would turn their respective seasons around. It apparently worked for Lippers. QB Andrew Raymond, who threw four touchdowns over the sparsely populated field, led the Lippers to a 30-24 victory.

Still confident in their scheme, the Patriots brought their five starters back for their game against the AstroGliders (4-1). It was hard fought, but the Gliders prevailed 38-22. One of the Gliders commented after the game: “Showing the class and dignity that has marked our three-year reign of terror in the HLS football league, we began our assault on the Patriots by refusing to reduce our on-field squad from six to five when the opponents only had five show up.”

The Gliders did not let up in game two, beating Section 7 Deadly Sins (0-4) in a manner that rendered the lives of their opponents meaningless. Looking back on the day’s carnage, an anonymous Glider gave credit to Kane, Wes, Lutz and Dom and used phrases like “lit them up” and “geez, we just dominated.”

Captain Gene Gurkoff made some startling announcements after the games Sunday. No longer will his team be known by the possessive (though not charmless) name, “Gene’s Team.” The formerly eponymous captain changed the name of the team to “Brian Nielson.” “We are, in fact, named after the fat and out of shape Danish boxer who got destroyed by Mike Tyson two weeks ago. He took a never-ending barrage of punches, but he kept coming back into the ring. And so will we.” Perhaps less shocking, Gurkoff announced that Sarah Baxter has been added to the team and will be featured alongside teammate Stacy Austin. Brian Nielson were defeated by the <Law Dawgs and Duress, 41-0 and 42-0 respectively.

In the Duress’ (3-0) victory over Brian Nielson, Chris Gober threw five touchdowns. On the receiving end were Trevor Livingston (twice), Doug Cordiano, B.J. Trach and Mike Allen. Tel-Cary Sadler rushed for a touchdown, and the defense collected four interceptions. In relaying the events, Cordiano did not use phrases like “geeze, we just dominated,” but he damn well could have.

Black By Popular Demand evened their record with a 34-26 victory over Sashi’s team. Erick Harris was dominant on defense with a pair of interceptions. Scott Mayne tossed four touchdowns and ran for another, and Nick Brown scored twice. Also, Dave Min wrote me and asked why he hasn’t been in the paper.

Animals Taste Good (4-1) improved an already impressive record with a 33-6 victory over the Mad Turtles. According to Eric Zacks, Mike Minahan had an impressive game and asserted that “Ian can’t ignore me forever.” Maybe not, but I’m sure going to try.

Boar Hogs (5-0) Captain Randy Kozel said he didn’t have much to report from the Boar Hogs 28-0 victory over Mr. Sparkle (2-3). That was rather generous, given that Sparkle successfully completed as many passes to the Hogs as to themselves. Matt Dubofsky gets the game ball for his defensive performance.

Finally, the Law Dawgs defeated the International All-Stars 26-13 in their second game. No one said too much about that game.

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