Hopeless no more

BY

Dear Kelly,

I read with great pleasure and joy your “Coming out of Homosexuality” article. I am sure that you will be receiving a fair share of criticism for your stance, but I wanted to be sure to thank you and let you know that your article has affected at least one individual enough to become motivated to make a change in lifestyle.

You see, Kelly, I’ve been a lifelong heterosexual. And, recently, I’ve become quite tired of dating men. They’re smelly. They make funny noises. And I’m not generally fond of borrowing their clothes. (On a side note, shouldn’t wardrobe expansion be a major criteria in your choice of partners?) Personally, I felt so empowered and liberated to know that I could change my sexual orientation with the right combination of indoctrinating tools. For so long, I’ve been na├»ve enough to believe that sexuality and attraction were mysterious, complicated things. I never knew that love and a healthy sex life could be so readily replaced by community groups, Bible studies and prayer.

Despite my desire to convert, I always felt so frustrated in my attempts to become a lesbian. I mean I own quite a number of Ani DiFranco, Sleater-Kinney and PJ Harvey records. I’ve studied at lesbian coffeehouses and have gone to lesbian bars. My expansive tea collection has even caused some friends to question my orientation. Dammit, I even graduated from Berkeley! Yet, to no avail! I’m still pathetically straight!

But, now, I recognize that I haven’t been trying hard enough. I can not tell you how much hope your article has given me. I’ve realized now that all I really have to do is just subvert my identity, read the Bible backwards and dismiss the notion that love and attractionshould get in the way of a socially constructed sexual orientation.

So let me get to the real point of this letter. In order to facilitate me in the process of going into the closet so that I can come out later on, I wanted to ask, Kelly, will you date me?

Hopelessly Hetero No More,Jasleen Kohli

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