And the winner is …

BY DAVE PARKER

Hussein shows staying power

by Dave Minn

“Life is a daring adventure, or nothing.”–Saddam Hussein

As many of you are aware, People Magazine recently issued a special issue listing its 50 Most Eligible Bachelors. While Mr. Parker and I do not necessarily disagree with People’s choices, we do feel that its scope was overly domestic. We both feel that People could, and should, have made a more concerted effort to look abroad in determining its eligible bachelor pool, and so we embarked on our own endeavor to name the world’s most eligible bachelor. But today, as always, Mr. Parker and I do not see eye-to-eye on who that most eligible bachelor is.

Clearly, it is Saddam Hussein. While Mr. Parker would have us believe that Usama (or Osama) bin Laden is the world’s most desirable male, the name Saddam Hussein arouses intrigue and romance in even Usama’s most dedicated followers. Saddam is a classic rags-to-riches story, a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, who stayed on the wrong side of the tracks, and who embodies the bad-boy appeal that poseurs such as P. Diddy, Eminem and Usama bin Laden can only dream of imitating.

Born into a poor shepherd family, Saddam went to college, showing his intellectual side; attempted a failed assassination of the then-prime minister of Iraq, showing his ambition; and finally succeeded in becoming leader of the Unfree World, showing his savvy. A dark and enigmatic figure, to be sure. Compare this with Mr. bin Laden, a bourgeois brat whose claim to fame is as financier of the Al Qaeda terrorist network. That’s right. A financier. While Saddam was developing chemical weapons and killing people with his bare hands, Usama bin Laden was hiding away in a cave and using his Platinum Visa Card to charge up a jihad. Is it any wonder that women, even the women of Afghanistan, are irresistibly drawn to Saddam Hussein, after being inundated with images of a “sex symbol” who is the fundamentalist Islamic equivalent of Lee Iacocca?

One need only compare pictures of Usama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein to see that Saddam is obviously the sexier of the two. With his dashing moustache and his devil-may-care attitude, Saddam is a paragon of Iraqi military vigor, exuding robust confidence and masculine virility, while still managing to convey a deeper empathy and existential turmoil, with just a quick glance from his oh-so-expressive eyes. Mr. bin Laden, on the other hand, with his sad-sack face and slouched posture, looks like nothing so much as a real-life Scooby Doo. With an atrocious beard.

But perhaps sexual attraction is not your only measure of the eligibility of a bachelor. Well, besides being better educated and more sympathetic to feminist concerns, Saddam is also a more stable potential husband. As opposed to living in caves, Saddam has a presidential palace. He has more money, more fast cars, more servants, bigger houses and better food than Osama bin Laden. He also has more stockpiles of lethal chemical and biological weapons.

Finally, if you say Saddam’s name backwards, you get “Madass.” If you say Usama backwards, you get “Amasu.” Obviously, you have to go with “Madass” over the eminently unappealing “Amasu.”

Osama still most wanted man

by J.R. Parker

It is obvious that the most desirable bachelor in the world right now is none other than that man of the hour, Mr. Osama bin Laden. Unlike the pudgy, mustachioed Saddam Hussein, Osama bin is every woman’s dream. His striking good looks, his powerful charisma and his ability to lead seething, resentful masses in a holy jihad against the United States all argue for his deserved position at the top of People Magazine’s list of the 50 Most Eligible Bachelors (sorry, Shawn).

The scion of the wealthy and influential bin Laden family, Osama had the benefit of a cultivated upbringing among the Saudi elite. Make no mistake, this warrior has learned his table manners. However, much like another religious leader who renounced his family’s riches for a life of ascetic spirituality — the Buddha — Osama bin left the embrace of his family’s luxury for a higher calling: the fight against the U.S.S.R.’s shamelessly aggressive military campaign against Afghanistan. “Better dead than red” was this mujahadeen’s motto, and he learned it from none other than the CIA, a spy agency almost as sexy as the MI6. Trained by America’s best and brightest spooks, Osama learned how to fire rocket-propelled grenades and organize and finance an underground guerilla network.

Speaking of finance, let’s touch upon a subject briefly mentioned by my comrade in letters, Mr. Min: Osama is, in a word, loaded. He’s got more than enough cash to ensure his lucky wive(s) (more on that later) will have more than enough means to live comfortably. Although he has been cut off from most of his Saudi relatives (a plus: no pesky in-laws!), he’s still got millions of dollars at his disposal. He doesn’t spend it on himself: All he needs is a camouflage jacket and the occasional Kalishnikov rifle — as far as personal accoutrements go, so he’s got some extra to spend on his special ladies. On the other hand, even though Osama is a wealthy man, don’t call him a materialist! Hardly the shallow type, he’s got more important and weighty concerns than his bank account. Ask him about his views, and I guarantee that he’s not going to pull any punches when he responds. He’s a straight-talking fellow.

Osama bin’s rugged good looks are undeniable. His wide, doe-like eyes, the soft, contemplative features of his face, and the wisdom and manliness of his full beard have captured the hearts of millions world-wide. It’s not surprising that his visage is prominently displayed on posters, flyers and cell phone display screens — he’s darn good looking!

Ever need to just get away from it all, just for a few days, weeks or months at a time, especially with your beau? Well, Osama and his friends have just the ticket — more than a few breathtakingly remote vacation hideaway spots. From North Africa to Indonesia, they know more than a few places where a couple can take some romantic time off from the rest of the world. Stateside, they can also get you discounts at low-budget hotels in places like Florida or Maine. Day trips across the Canadian border are also popular with the bin Laden crew, and rental cars are always available. For the time being, though, if you’re lucky enough to snatch this catch of a man, you’ll have a great opportunity to practice your spelunking.

Now, it may be true that Osama may already have a wife or three. But who’s counting? This a man who, despite his remarkable fame and popularity, bravely chooses to spend time at home with his family, staying outside of the public eye. With all that spare time, he’s got more than enough attention to spread around.

So forget Dave Min and that big-talking, Gulf War-losing Saddam. The facts speak for themselves: Osama is unquestionably the world’s most wanted man.

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