Lost: Sunglasses-Gold, rimless Cartier sunglasses last seen outside of Hauser on Wed., Sept. 11. There is a $50 reward, as the glasses are very expensive. Please contact mshah or call 493-9740 if found.
Subject: Lost Cartier Sunglasses
Fenno here. I don’t have your sunglasses, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss. It really has been awfully bright lately. And God forbid your public should recognize you. But it’s probably not as bad as all that. Just check the glove compartment of the Jag – I’m sure they packed a cheap pair of Armanis in there just in case. They’re probably hiding under your Gucci driving gloves.
I wish I did have them though: I could sure use that $50 reward; I’m soooo hungry. Oh, I have a note here you might be interested in. It says, “Shah – Go to the newspaper stand outside Montrose on Friday at 1:18 p.m. Put the money in unmarked singles under Section A of the third copy of USA Today in the newspaper vending box. Come alone. Go into Starbucks and order a grande nonfat decaf mochaccino and a biscotti. Return to the newspaper box at 1:37. If you’ve done everything right, the panhandler with the glasses will come out of Marathon Sports and hand you a jogbra. Wrap it tightly over your eyes, be sure that no light gets through, and cross Mass. Ave. back to North Hall.”
Hope this helps,
Cool breeze, tight squeeze, now you’ve got the chills. Fenno smiled in satisfaction at the good deed she’d performed. We all have to come together to face down these Cartier kidnappers, she thought. Poor Mike. It would probably help him to know that others had also suffered terrible losses of late. She pulled out her List of People in Pain (LOPP) and started cataloging. This would be sure to console him.
Loss Number One: Anne-Marie. She was brilliant. She had convictions. She really wanted to tell us about them, in a very forceful way that somehow made us feel like we’d each committed some kind of unforgivable cultural faux pas, like waving bare-handed at Greek shepherds or using a spoon to eat miso soup. And now she’s gone. Fenno pondered for a moment how fitting it was that Professor Slaughter, that champion of internationalism, of world justice, of putting issues of global importance back in the driver’s seat, was now dean of a school named for a man who was so very successful in attempting precisely the same thing.
Loss Number Two: The Yin and Yang that was Gannett House. Whichever one of those is cooler has left for Baker House. Fenno thinks that would be the yang. The Law Review has lost its yang. Many of us have long suspected that lack of yang was how they got there in the first place. And now Fenno wonders if the Law Review kids will even notice that their yang is gone, and gone for good. Will Huang and Moritz be able to fill the gap left by the departing yang? Just another question Fenno feels duty-bound to answer before this year is through. (“Hello? Yes, I realize I ended that sentence with a preposition. But it’s grammatical. . . . What? . . . Because it’s how people talk. And it’s sort of a verb there anyway, or maybe an adverb. . . . No, I didn’t look it up in the Bluebook. Jesus, Garrett, leave me alone. . . . And stop swearing at me in Latin. It’s creepy.”)
Loss Number Three: Harvard Law School’s Remaining Sense of Pop Culture, Decency, and/or Irony. While Martha Field may be happy to head up the Committee on Healthy Diversity, Fenno is pretty sure the rest of the HLS community is a little weirded out. Diversity is great. We all agree. (No we don’t.) Isn’t that great? Anyway, the name alone suggests that somewhere (maybe at Yale) there is a Committee on Unhealthy Diversity, a Committee on Diseased Diversity, or a Committee on Diversity a Little Under the Weather. Maybe that would be a school full of all the various permutations of Lesbian half-Native American, half-Irish Jewish descendants of Virgin Islands sharecroppers. Or maybe it would just be the current student body with the flu. At the very least, the administration should admit to itself that anyone who can keep a straight face while giving something the name “Committee on Healthy Diversity” has obviously been watching way too much Oprah.
Loss Number Four: Shawn McDonald. My, my, my. It has to be hard on Ariane Decker and Tara Church to do without Shawn. Those velvet ropes just don’t feel as soft when you have to wait beside them for half an hour to get into those sweaty nightclubs by yourself. And, lo and behold, ten dollar appletinis at Vox actually cost ten dollars each! But if those two have lost a “friend,” at least they’ve regained their “dignity.” And look at it this way, ladies: There’s sure to be another self-worshipping, lizard-resembling, cousin/nephew of a mega-diva in the Harvard University student body. Last year, Fenno met two or three of them every time she went to Red Line on a Saturday night.